The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

Originally Posted by hovis

She did this every day faithfully, and after several months, it worked.

She grew great boobies! One morning, she was running late and was on the
bus, when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

She loved her new boobies and didn't want to lose them so she got up right in the middle of the bus and said "Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies!"

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith, by any chance?"


"Why, yes, I do! How did you know?"



"Hickory dickory dock......................"

Works even better if you include the start of the joke

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his work's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the bedside cabinet. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he sees a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

"Darling, breakfast is keeping warm in the oven, I left early to go to the supermarket to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Susan"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast in the oven, freshly ground coffee and the morning newspaper, his son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, then you were sick in the hallway, and then you got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed,





"Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

# Broken Coffee Table £139.99
# Hot Breakfast £5.50
# Two Aspirins 59p

# Saying the right thing, at the right time . . PRICELESS

Originally Posted by rigor

Works even better if you include the start of the joke

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements.
He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub
your nipples
and say, 'Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies.'"

She did this every day faithfully, and after several months, it worked.

She grew great boobies! One morning, she was running late and was on the
bus, when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

She loved her new boobies and didn't want to lose them so she got up right in the middle of the bus and said "Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies!"

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith, by any chance?"


"Why, yes, I do! How did you know?"



"Hickory dickory dock..."

How do you get the cork back in the champagne bottle?

Ask an England supporter.

*ducks and runs for cover*

Wasn't funny but I read it in the newspaper today.

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil

Originally Posted by wyrdness

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil

That reminds me of my maths teacher who told the class a terrible joke involving a constipated mathematician and logs

[Essex of Essex]

Walks into a seedy cafe in Western Oklahoma.

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chilli.



After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best Okie manner says, “Nah, go ahead."



Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.



The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chilli into the bowl.



The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

PSML

AAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!! LOL!!!

MODS: If it's too close to the knuckle then delete this, but it does make amusing reading


Subject: Entries in Queen Mum's and Diana books of condolence

"I think that the Queen Mum and Princess Diana are our very own Twin Trade Towers. Finally, we can look the people of New York in the face".

L.Ward, Mansfield.

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"When Diana died I swore I would never smile again, but eventually I did. Now the Queen Mum has gone I cannot imagine that I will ever smile for the rest of my life. I will probably break that one too".

A.Christie, Hendon.

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"When Diana died I shaved my balls... I'm not sure why".

C.McKee, Bath.

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"She was one of the old school, all the remaining royals are sh*t"

J.Clement. Grantham.

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"I thought she would never die, she has let us all down very badly"

D.Holmes, Somerset.

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"She was a trooper and she never gave up. I remember one time she was visiting a school and I asked her if she would like to make a visit to the cloakroom before she left. 'No' she replied, 'I didn't give in to the Nazis and I won't give in to the bladder'. That's how she was, a fighter, who refused to be beaten by anything. She p*ssed herself later though, it was sickening".

B. Forrester, North Yorkshire.

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"She was a marvellous woman, and an absolutely wonderful lover".

L. J.Worthington, Penrith.

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"I am absolutely devastated, we could at least have got the day off".

S.Wilson, Bristol.

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"How refreshing to be able to mourn the death of a member of the Royal family without being accused of being homosexual".

Major J. Fletcher, High Wycombe.

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"Her death should act as a warning to others who think it is cool to experiment with drugs".

E. Franks, Cheshire.

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"Perhaps if we automated her old golf buggy it could still drive around The Mall on its own and bring pleasure to the tourists".

Y. Howell, Slough.

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"Once again the Queen is not upset enough for my liking, the woman should have a bit more compassion. How would she feel if it was her mother?"

W.Waugh, Richmond.

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"It is such a loss, God has shat on our heads".

K. O'Neil, Inverness.

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"I am sure the Queen Mum will not let this setback put an end to her public duties".

N. Wallace, Swansea.

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"I hold Princess Margaret in no small way responsible for this terrible event"

E. Thompson, West Lothian.

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"Bomb Iraq for us Tony, its the only thing that will make us feel better"

P.McGregor, Southampton.

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"This is an emergency. We must do all we can. Send blankets, food parcels, jumpers, anything, now. Show them we care. Help those brave souls queuing up to walk past her coffin".

R. Thompson, Bath.
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"I have been unable to ********** for five days, and will not do so again until Her Majesty is buried"

E. Gorman, Derbyshire.
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"Good God, who is next, Geri Halliwell? I hope so".

R. Combes, Romford.

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"I feel very sorry for Prince Charles inheriting the Queen Mum's dogs. He already has Camilla".

N. Venables, Dorchester

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"No matter how she felt, no matter what the situation, she always wore a smile. Just like a retard"

G. Hollins, East Sussex.
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"I remember how she visited us in the East End. She was so kind, so generous and so sweet. She whispered softly in my ear, 'you know its not true, you people don't smell of sh*t really'. She was wondrous and always had a way with words".

E.Collier, London.

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"Whichever way you look at it, it just is not as exciting as Diana".

G.Williams, West Midlands.

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"She was one of us. By that, I don't mean she perpetrated insurance fraud, lied about expense claims or shagged around when she went away. She was like us in a good way. God bless you ma'am".

L. Weller, Harlow.

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"If only I could get my hands on that fish bone right now, you heartless *******!"

J. Hedges, Cowdenbeath.

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I'll never forget how she led the nation and London by example in the war. OK, so she had as much food, fresh too, and drink as she wanted, people to cook and serve it, no power cuts, constant hot water, was able to go away a couple of times, keep her kids with her and she had huge bunkers for safety and protection but that's a petty way to look at it.

H. Forse, Putney

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"She had such a difficult life, always battling against adversity and misfortune. Let us hope that if there is a next time round she is given a life of privilege and comfort"

T.D.Wainwright, Hastings.

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How right Gabrielle is when she sings, 'Dreams can come true'. I dreamt The Queen Mum died only a fortnight ago".

S. Robinson, West Bromwich

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"I pray for her soul on the great journey to heaven. I also pray Dodi and Diana aren't driving around while she embarks on it".

B. Wilson, Bridgend

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"Best wishes to the Queen Mum's servants and housekeepers for their futures Redundancy is always a bad thing but at least they won't have their boss around smugly saying how sorry they are like mine did to me".

J. Christer, Middlesborough

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"No sex for more than 50 years? What a tragic waste of a life.

T. Knave, Halstead

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"I offer my condolences to all of The Royal Family for this awful bereavement. But, even at such a sorrowful time, they are an example to us all. Be grateful for making pictures, interviews and the funeral available to the public rather than sign an exclusive deal with Hello or OK or pay-per-veiw tv. Those greedy b*stards have had it their own way for too long, it's about time someone fought back for the ordinary people".

F. Harewood, Cardiff

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They say one man's loss is always another's gain so while I offer my heartfelt sympathies to The Queen for double loss, congratulations to Prince Phillip for no longer having a mother-in-law.

D. Wiltshire, Bournemouth

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"I've lost my job, home, car, wife and best friend in the last 12 months. This terrible tragedy puts it all into perspective."

T. Dolman, Edgware

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"Margaret and Elizabeth both gone in no time at all. Must save us a fortune Do I get a tax rebate?

H. Matthews, Colwyn Bay