The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

Originally Posted by Viney

BOther than that, keep em up.

<sniggers>



Sorry.

Weight Loss Program

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 lbs that week.

[BanannaMan]

In the news: Mysterious Single Black Circle Sighted in the Sky Over Leamington Spa.

It was actually a sign, telling how many goals England will score at this years World Cup in Brazil.









I was impressed by the minute's silence in Liverpool earlier for the Hillsborough victims.

I was certain they couldn't go that long without mentioning it.

[PyroUK]

Jesus died to give us 2 bank holidays.

Jesus, God’s only begotten son, died for his belief that workers deserve a four-day paid break just when the weather’s beginning to pick up.

Archbishop Justin Welby said: “The heavenly miracle of Good Friday was bought with the blood of the Lamb, spilt for everyone who’s got a bit of decorating to do.

“And He said unto them, Fear not ye for there is still no work tomorrow. Lo, does anyone fancy the pub?”

“How can the atheists scoff when only eight days of leave need be booked to give sixteen days off? Marvel at the ways of the Lord.”

[BanannaMan]

The lawyers at Cardiff contacted the FA to tell them they will be sending a letter of complaint over the 'leaked team' allegations.

The FA told them not to bother sending the letter, they've already seen it.

[BanannaMan]

I know it's normal for towns to name places to reflect their heritage, but I think it's a bit much for Manchester to have Bury, Rusholme and Hyde.





David Moyes has been offered another job already! The Great Britain Tobogganing Team have said they have been looking for years for someone who can push a team downhill at that sort of speed.






David Moyes receiving 4 million for being a complete failure?
I'd be willing to do the same next season for under a million quid.

[Bluepete]

Condoms aren't completely safe.

My mate was wearing one and he got hit by a bus!

Pete

[BanannaMan]

I think the world community needs to do more to make sure all those abducted Nigerian girls can be returned home where they can be sold into prostitution and slavery by their own family, not some bloody terrorist.

[_Stretchie_]

Originally Posted by BanannaMan

I know it's normal for towns to name places to reflect their heritage, but I think it's a bit much for Manchester to have Bury, Rusholme and Hyde.

Oi Bill, you leave Rusholme alone.... The best kebabs in the world live there

[BanannaMan]

A team of British experts has flown to Nigeria, to help find the 276 abducted schoolgirls.

Their first job will be to tell the American team where Nigeria is.





It's only since the US army moved into Nigeria, that I realised 'schoolgirls' is an anagram of 'oilwells'





Americans enter Nigeria to help find the kidnapped girls.

Progress so far.
Three Black Hawks down - no survivors.
27 Nigerian soldiers caught in crossfire
Chinese embassy bombed
87 casualties
Two girls rescued who were not yet lost along with a dog named Buck.



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