The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

Jordan has assured the UK government that Abu Qattada will get the treatment he deserves. If he buys her a kebab, she'll give him a BJ.

[ixlr8]

Hah, that made me smirk despite my best efforts.

A new game show has just gone into production. Fern Britton abducts old, annoying game show hosts and hides them in a secret location until viewers can guess where they are. "Britton's Got Tarrant" starts soon on ITV3

Copied from another site, but I had to, it really made me laugh, I had tears of laughter running down my face trying to read it to DJ

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking,
the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool
table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in
his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you
see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight.
Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and
leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a
drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing
his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it
up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.


Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and
eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did just now?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and
ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in
sight, but ever since he had to crap that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."

[Viney]

Originally Posted by WayneL

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are sitting on the top of a building during their lunch break. They each open their packed lunches.

Englishman "Oh my God, ham sandwhiches again. Everyday she makes me
the same ones. I work hard on this building site, and for what?
Well I have had enough. If I get Ham tomorrow then I'm
jumping off this building"
Scotsman "Oh ffs, tuna again! I'm sick of it too. I tell you what, if she
makes me tuna tomorrow, I'll jump off with you."
Irishman "Would you believe it, cheese sandwhiches again. Well I'm sick
of it too. If I get cheese again tomorrow then I'll jump off
aswell."

Then next day the guys open their lunchboxes to find they all have the same old sandwhiches, and as promised, all three jump to their deaths.

All three men have a joint funeral in honour of their time together. The wives all hug with tears in their eyes.

English wife "He never said anything. Why didn't he tell me? I could have
made other ones"
Scot wife "Tell me about it, I thought he loved tuna. Why didn't he
complain to me?"
Irish wife "I'm really confused. He made his own sandwhiches."

OMG, how much dust was on top of that one. I havent heard that in about 20 years!!

[Paul the 6th]

Thieves are stealing telescopes off Blackpool front during the night and replacing them with kaleidoscopes.

Police say there may be a pattern developing.

[Paul the 6th]

I got caught secretly filming at the back of the cinema during a romantic film.

It was just as they started kissing, when the girl whispered to her boyfriend, "That creepy man over there is filming us."

[littleoldman2]

COPPER WIRE


After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying : "American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French."

A few weeks later, ‘The British Archaeological Society of Northern England’ reported the following: "After digging down to a depth of 33 feet in the Skipton area of North Yorkshire in 2011, Charlie Hardcastle, a self-taught amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely **** all. Charlie has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."


Makes you proud to be British.

If there is one thing that gives me great comfort in life, it's knowing that, during a power cut, somewhere there's an old person stuck halfway up the stairs on a stair lift.

[SoulKiss]

Originally Posted by littleoldman2

COPPER WIRE


After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying : "American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French."

A few weeks later, ‘The British Archaeological Society of Northern England’ reported the following: "After digging down to a depth of 33 feet in the Skipton area of North Yorkshire in 2011, Charlie Hardcastle, a self-taught amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely **** all. Charlie has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."


Makes you proud to be British.

Had he dug down another 50ft he would have found the copper wire.

Thing is, it wouldn't be from a high-tech network.

It would have been from where two Yorkshiremen had been fighting over a copper coin, proving that Yorkshire tightness can be traced WAAAAAAY back