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Old 30-08-17, 09:12 AM   #1271
Trev B
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Default Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

Spot on mate !!!
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Old 30-08-17, 11:48 AM   #1272
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Default Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by Trev B View Post
Spot on mate !!!
That last point on the maths joke is truer than I like to think about just now
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Last edited by SV650rules; 30-08-17 at 03:49 PM.
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Old 07-09-17, 08:51 AM   #1273
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Default Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

Subject: Trump's Parrot


During a lull over a recent dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat
with the Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson. "You know, I bought
Donald a parrot for his birthday in June. That bird is so smart,
Donald has already taught him to say over two hundred words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize
that he just speaks the words, ...he doesn't really understand what
they mean.”



"Oh, I know," replied Melania, .........."neither does the parrot."
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Old 09-09-17, 05:26 AM   #1274
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Default Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

Not a joke but a definitely a good laugh.


http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/articl...hurricane-irma


And now you know how Trump got elected.
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Old 10-09-17, 09:35 AM   #1275
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Default Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

Sign of the times?

“Hello there - is this Gordon's Pizza?”

“No, sir - it's Google’s Pizza.”

“I must have dialled a wrong number. Sorry.”

“No, sir, this is the correct number. Google bought Gordon's Pizza last month.”

“Oh! Okay then - I would like to order a pizza.”

“Do you want your usual, sir?”

“My usual? You know me?”

“According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meat balls on a thick crust.*

“Right! That's just what I want.”

“May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat, gluten-free, thin crust?”

“What? I detest vegetables!”

“Your cholesterol is not good, sir.”

“How the hell do you know that?”

“Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.”

“Okay, okay – but I don’t want your awful vegetable pizza - I already take medication for my cholesterol.”

“Excuse me, sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug sale Network, 4 months ago.”

“I bought more from another drugstore.”

“That doesn't show on your credit card statement.”

“I paid in cash.”

“But you did not withdraw enough cash, according to your bank statement.”

“I have other sources of cash.”

“That doesn't show on your last tax return, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.”

“WHAT THE HELL? ! ! ! !”

“I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.”

“Enough! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others!! I'm going to an island without the Internet, without cable TV – some place where there is no cell phone service and no one to spy on me!!”

“I understand, sir. But do you know that you need to renew your passport first? It expired 6 weeks ago.”
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Old 12-09-17, 02:04 AM   #1276
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Default Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

Rumor has it, the real reason Trump hates Mexicans is because he never received any credit for helping write the lyrics to this Cheech Martin song.

(lyrics on screen)

YouTube Video
Error: If you cannot see this video, then either YouTube is down or you don't have Flash installed to play it.
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Old 13-09-17, 12:34 PM   #1277
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Default Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

Riskay or what!

A Irish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted one, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to bowls," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the club for his bowls match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.

She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there."

The girl asked " Well do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the bowls team hadn't!"
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Old 29-09-17, 07:44 PM   #1278
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Default Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
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Old 12-10-17, 01:05 PM   #1279
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Default Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.
The two Englishmen just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?"
The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?"
No response,
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"
Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language...."
"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't ****ing do him any good.
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Old 31-12-17, 05:04 AM   #1280
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Default Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

I lost my watch at a Christmas party.
About an hour later I saw some guy standing on it while he was sexually harassing a woman.
So I went over and punched him in the face breaking his nose.
No one does that to a woman on my watch!
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