The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[Richie]

When my local train station went up in flames I got interviewed by the local news.
"What did you see? Were people panicking and running for their lives?" I was asked.
I said "No, there was more of a low commotion."

MOD EDIT : Jokes removed as they all fall foul of the u-rating for the forum.

I walked into the bedroom the other day and the Mrs was looking in the mirror and examining her Breasts . She then said to me "Do you think these could be a bit bigger ?" . I was unsure what my reply was going to be , so I played it safe and said "I love you just the way you are , now I`m going downstairs to watch the Football" . She then said "If we had the money would you allow me to get a Boob Job ?" ......... I thought "Here we go , gonna miss the match at this rate" ...... I then replied "Well my sweet , we don`t have the money so it`s a moot point really" . As I edged towards the door she sighed and said "My friend had one done , said it improved her love life no end" . I thought "Jeeeeesus , I WANNA WATCH THE FOOTBALL" . I opened my mouth and said "Well we have a great love life anyway" and I planted a kiss on her forehead and turned around . She chirped "Well I could try and get one on the NHS for free ?" ... I had just about enough by now and said "Why don`t you rub some tissue paper inbetween them then ?" . She replied "Will that work ?" . As I got to the door I turned around and looked her in the eye and said "Well , it should do , look what it did to your Ar5e"

[Essex of Essex]

God, it makes me laugh to think about all the lies my parents told me when I was a kid. Like how Santa Claus left presents for me under the tree for being a good boy all year, and how the Easter Bunny hid chocolate eggs around the house for praying hard to Jesus, and how the Sodomy Fairy bought me a bike for not saying anything to my mum...

..... and when the ice-cream man play the chimes on his van it meant that he'd sold out

My brother got married to a lady who owns an orchard - they lived appily ever after...

[Viney]

Dont believe in Miracles? Jesus managed to find four blokes called, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John in the Middle east!

Two Builders land at a remote desert landing strip, Mick looks around at all the huge sand dunes, and says "Jesus Christ Murphy, let's get the hell out of here before the cement arrives!"

[punyXpress]

Not funny at all!
The vicar asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I can express praise for an answered prayer.

Two months ago, my husband, Joe, had a terrible motorcycle accident and his scrotum was completely

crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."


You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Joe must have experienced.

"Joe was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain.

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece

together the crushed remnants of Joe's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."


Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible

surgery performed on Joe.


"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Joe is out of the hospital and the doctors say that, with time, his scrotum will recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The vicar rose and asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He steadied himself, and then said softly, "I'm Joe."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

A huge hole has opened up in our road, the Police are looking into it.