The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[SV650rules]

Two prawns living in Caribbean were having a chat, one was called Christian and one Peter, Peter said ‘I am fed up with hiding all the time to keep away from predators, I wish I was a Shark, and then nothing would bother me’ – a large Cod who was basking nearby said ‘ I have the power to grant your wish, and Peter turned into a great white shark and happily swam off’.
Well because he was a strange shark in the area non of the other sharks wanted anything to do with him, and tried to chase him off – all the other creatures were afraid of him because he was now a predator and Peter found life very lonely, he longed for his old life with his mate Christian. He had to find that Cod again so he searched far and wide and one day spotted it, he told the Cod his story and begged to return to his old life… Well the Cod understood and granted his wish, he found his old stamping ground and tracked down his old pall Christian, who was very suspicious, so Peter had to reassure him.



He said ‘don’t be afraid, it’s only me, I’m your old mate Peter – I found Cod again and now I am a prawn again Christian’…

[Teejayexc]

<groans>

[SV650rules]

The building of a European Union language!

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the European Union rather than
German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-
year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this
will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be
dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and
keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag
is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from
vordskontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi
bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in
ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

[Grant66]

Originally Posted by SV650rules

The hard "c" will be
dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and
keyboards kan have one less letter.

[PEDANTIC] So how did you type "changes" later on? [/PEDANTIC]

Sent from my SM-G950F using Tapatalk

[SV650rules]

“If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that!”

“One of my earliest memories is seeing my mother’s face through the oven window. As we played hide and seek and she said: ‘you’re getting warmer’.”

“Hopefully, I’ve got a book coming out soon. Shouldn’t have eaten it, really.”

“My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we’ve started to call her ‘I can’t believe she’s not better’.”

“I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.”

“I used to think sticks and stones could break my bones but words could never hurt me – until I fell into a printing press.”

“My grandfather is always saying that in the old days people could leave their back doors open. Which is probably why his submarine sank.”

“My wife – it’s difficult to say what she does. She sells seashells on the seashore.”

“As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it really.”

“Some people say that firefighters deserve more money, but apparently a poll was taken and they all fell through a hole in the floor.”

“So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama.”

“Hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not…”

“My grandfather invented the cold air balloon but it never really took off.”

“About a month before my grandfather died, we covered his back with lard. After that he went downhill very quickly.”

[Adam Ef]

^ Is that Milton Jones?

[SV650rules]

Originally Posted by Adam Ef

^ Is that Milton Jones?

Well spotted, seen him live a couple of times.. his sense of humour creases me - it is distinctive.

Got some more for later.

[Adam Ef]

He is great. He's done a few good shows for radio too.


Definitely influenced by Steven Wright I think.

[Heorot]

The Police have found a large number of dead crows on the A47 just outside Norwich early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The investigators then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"

[SV650rules]

One of our local farmers had a problem years ago during a hard winter, he went down to the fields one morning and all his cows were standing in the field not moving, he went over and checked one and found it was very cold, in fact it was frozen. He checked the rest and they were all the same - he was just about to phone the vet when a couple of old ladies with rucksacks came into the field and asked what the problem was. The farmer explained that all his cows were frozen, one of the women went to the nearest cow and touched it, the frost melted off its back and it shook itself and ate some grass, she went round all the cows in turn and the same thing happened. The farmer was astonished and said to the woman, ' I don't know how to thank you, but I have to say your face seems very familiar !' The woman said 'you may have seen me on TV - I'm Thora Hird'.