I think I'm at peace now

Today is a very meaningful day for me. On Thursday 12th June in 2003, my cousin, my best freind, took his own life. I knew he was upset with his life, with not having a job and not having alot of money....but I didn't think things were bad eough to warrant him taking his life. At the time, was angry, I was shocked, I was upset. I felt that way for ages, then I just couldn't understand it. Sometimes, I rather hoped he didn't do it, that it was some accident, or someone else. I wish I had been there for him more, I wish I had given him a call that morning, something, anything.

But now, 5 years on, I feel less anger. The pain still remains, its always going to I suppose. But I don't feel overly sad...now, when I think of him, I can only recall the good times...bombing about our local feilds on an XL125, four-up on a honda C90, burnouts on some useless 100cc suzuki thing, cycle rides around the country side, driving in his car singing very badly, phone conversations that were nothing more thana series of "you coming down?" followed by various grunts and then the phone going down and going down his house.

He was destined to become a biker, he taught me to ride, and I'm sure he would have made an excellent rider. He certainly would make better use of my SV than I do!

So, here's to my cousin. I hope you are resting in peace James, and dont think for a second we've forgotten you. I havn't, you made too much of an impact on my life for me to forget you.

A popular question that gets put around is "whats your favorite song?". Mine is Fade To Black by Metallica. Its all I have to reason why my cousin took his life.

Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye

Don't know why I wanted to share this with everyone. I guess everyone just needs to talk sometimes about the things that hide behind their smiles.

Matt

[Messie]

It's good to share. Makes us all think about the things that really matter.

Thanks for your bravery

xx

Oh Matt I can't even begin to understand the hurt and the pain that this has caused you. But I can see the strength that has carried you through. You don't say if he left a note or what the inquest verdict was - suicide or killed himself - but the fact is that there is a gaping big hole in your life, and any loss, especially sudden and unexplained loss, is bound to be very very painful.

Remember him with fondness and love, forgive him, don't blame him - it will only cause bitterness and more upset. Rather than live in the life that you have lost, you must look forwards and get on with and enjoy the life that you have, and all that you have to look forward to. Easy for me to say, I know.

Originally Posted by alpinestarhero

Today is a very meaningful day for me. On Thursday 12th June in 2003, my cousin, my best freind, took his own life. I knew he was upset with his life, with not having a job and not having alot of money....but I didn't think things were bad eough to warrant him taking his life. At the time, was angry, I was shocked, I was upset. I felt that way for ages, then I just couldn't understand it. Sometimes, I rather hoped he didn't do it, that it was some accident, or someone else. I wish I had been there for him more, I wish I had given him a call that morning, something, anything.

But now, 5 years on, I feel less anger. The pain still remains, its always going to I suppose. But I don't feel overly sad...now, when I think of him, I can only recall the good times...bombing about our local feilds on an XL125, four-up on a honda C90, burnouts on some useless 100cc suzuki thing, cycle rides around the country side, driving in his car singing very badly, phone conversations that were nothing more thana series of "you coming down?" followed by various grunts and then the phone going down and going down his house.

He was destined to become a biker, he taught me to ride, and I'm sure he would have made an excellent rider. He certainly would make better use of my SV than I do!

So, here's to my cousin. I hope you are resting in peace James, and dont think for a second we've forgotten you. I havn't, you made too much of an impact on my life for me to forget you.

A popular question that gets put around is "whats your favorite song?". Mine is Fade To Black by Metallica. Its all I have to reason why my cousin took his life.



Don't know why I wanted to share this with everyone. I guess everyone just needs to talk sometimes about the things that hide behind their smiles.

Matt

I feel for you. I lost my brother in 2004 he didn't take his own life but died in a car accident it knocked me for six as it did my Daughter as they were really close and it still hurts now but i know that he is looking after me and my family. I send my deepest feelings to you and am telling you to keep strong and make your cousin proud of you by riding your gorgeous looking bike i so wish gid had one of them but he is to old and to slow for one. Take care my brother died on the 2 August 2 or three weeks before his 23 birthday so that is when i get down and depressed keep strong

[Lissa]

Matt, I understand totally. My brother took his own life in 2001, and I lost not just my kid brother but my best mate too. I still miss him , and always will, and even now a sudden un-expected reminder of him can have me in tears.

Remember the good times.

[Spiderman]

Hey Matt, i'm glad you KNOW you can raise this issue here and feel the love from the Org for you.

I've lost many, many family members over the years some very close some very distant but they were always in another country so my experience of loss is nothing compared to yours.
All i can say is they is a big old Spidey man-hug waiting for you next time i see you dude.

And you're right about sometimes just needing to air these things and i'm sure your cus is up there smiling with the knowledge that he may be gone from your life but he'll never be forgotten.

Originally Posted by Ed

Oh Matt I can't even begin to understand the hurt and the pain that this has caused you. But I can see the strength that has carried you through. You don't say if he left a note or what the inquest verdict was - suicide or killed himself - but the fact is that there is a gaping big hole in your life, and any loss, especially sudden and unexplained loss, is bound to be very very painful.

Remember him with fondness and love, forgive him, don't blame him - it will only cause bitterness and more upset. Rather than live in the life that you have lost, you must look forwards and get on with and enjoy the life that you have, and all that you have to look forward to. Easy for me to say, I know.

Nope, no note, nothing. My poor nan found him in his room, hung himself, and the inquest into his death concluded it was definatly suicide...but its such a selfish act, and my cousin wasn't selfish...thats why I didn't want to beleive it.

I couldn't help but blame him and be angry with him at first, how can you not be angry? But you know, it was how he saw fit to deal with his life.

Every now and then, I'll have a dream about him. And we'll do something together in that dream...maybe change the wheels on his car for new ones, maybe stand outside hanging about while he smokes a cig and tells me "don't smoke, its bad for you".

I'm glad it was ok to bring it up on here, and I'm glad you guys can talk about your losses too. I don't wanna talk about my cousin with my mum or dad or anyone in my family incase I upset them or whatever...its just not the done thing in my family to bring up stuff.

Thanks for your kind replies guys, and I'm sorry to those who've lost someone important to them, before James died I wondered how it would feel, and since feeling that way its possibly the worst thing you could feel...and I wouldn't wish it upon anybody to have to suffer the agony of living on when a loved one has departed

And incase Maria is reading...I love you lots

Lets have another group hug

Matt

Mate- I'm very sorry to hear that and glad you're now coming to terms with it.

Someone I know (not very well) just lost his brother the same way- a lot of people went to a drink in his honour last night- was apparently very emotional and mixed between sadness and anger, but at least Lee knew that he had all those people there.