How bad are your in-laws?

Please tell me your in-laws stories and make me feel more fortunate

Just had them here over from France for the Easter break, we'll call the Mother-In-Law "Mildred" and the Father-In-Law "Filbert". They are both about 65 years of age.

• Filbert insists on driving from France, despite living about 1/2 hour south of Lille, where he can get a Eurostar directly to London St Pancras, where they catch the the train from the adjacent platform to get here.
• Filbert and Mildred don't know how to set the sat nav, so they arrange an appointment with the local Renault dealership to get it programmed on the morning of thier departure. Filbert tells me the garage can't programme it, but doesn't understand why. No matter, I have sent him a set of pictorial directions, using screen prints from Google Streetview of every junction they have to go through, with arrows on the lanes they should take and crosses on the ones they shouldn't, circles round the direction they need on the road sign, accompanied by written directions. M20, M25, M11, A14. It's foolproof. They arrive 6 1/2 hours after departing Dover, having completed a full circumnavigation of the M25! Can't get hold of them by mobile phone, as they have it set to divert to voicemail.
• Filbert and Mildred arrive, with Filbert driving though the village at 5mph, a big queue of cars beeping thier horns behind him. He says cars have been beeping at him and getting angry the whole way. Remebering that they are French, can you guess which lane of the motorway Filbert has sat in at 50mph the entire way? Yep, the one on the RIGHT hand side.
• Filbert and Mildred sits in the village pub, watching a game of Cricket being played on the village green. Both argue that the game is called Baseball, neither seem to accept that this game called Cricket exists. Once they finally accept that it is very different from Baseball, they watch in amazement, "never seen that, didn't know that game existed, it's not played internationally is it!?"
• Filbert walks across the garden decking, stands on just about everyone of my sons toys on the way, then bends down to pick up my Bike magazine from the deck chair, the pint of beer in his hand bends with him and he pours an entire pint into the deck chair, soaking my bike magazine.
• 3 yr old Son is asleep in the back of the car. Me, Wife and Filbert go into the supermarket. We return to the car 15 mins later to find our son screaming hysterics, trying to get out of his car seat straps, and clearly very frightened. He cried when he woke up and found we weren't there, and in an attempt to cheer him up she took a plastic dinosaur and snapped it's teeth in his face, and waved her arms in the air and shrieked out songs in a strange language that he didn't understand. He refused to give her a kiss or a cuddle from that point forwards.
• The bath and shower in the guest bathroom has remained as clean, dry and unused as it was the day they arrived. Yes, it's true what they say about the French and hygiene. Older generation French anyway.
• I forgot the French word for a flag. Now with an intelligent person you can play verbal charades. In this case "The thing that you find at top of a pole and flaps in the wind. It has the country colours on it. In France it's called the Tricolore" - Nope, not a clue just blank faces - "OK, never mind, it's not important, change the subject"
• Mildred gets a mobility scooter 2 1/2 feet wide, with 6 inch wheels, and she is 20 stone. She can't understand why after several runs at it, it won't climb a 4 inch kerb, or why if she tries to drive across a disabled ramp, instead of straight up or down, I have to catch her as the scooter tips over sideways.
• I show Filbert the way to leave the village and find the A14 at least five times on the way to the supermarket. It's left out of the village. On the morning they leave he says "So I have to turn right out of the village, non?"
• Their journey home (takes me less than 7 hours including the ferry crossing). The route is simple, A14, M11 (same road), M25, M20. Again they have full screen-print pictorial instructions. (I can't set the sat nav either, as it transpires they bought the France only version especially for the journey! Explaining this takes 1/2 hour). Having left at 7:30 am, they arrive home at 11:30pm. They ask on the phone if they were supposed to drive past the Houses of Parliment and across Tower Bridge!

Please tell me yours are worse! I need to know I'm not alone.

Mine are brilliant. LOL They sound bad...Sorry

[Bibio]

give them a break, they are old and French.

Originally Posted by Bibio

give them a break, they are old and French.

and thick as mince!

[G]

Jesus you really thought about that post... I could rant all day about my 'mother in law to be'...

Instead I will just say she is a filthy, psychotic, self obsessed attention seeking slut from hell.

The 'father in law to be' is an ex police superintendent and a top chap, into his bikes etc.

My father in law is........eccentric.

He's that bloke that decides to wear a knitted jumper that is two sizes too big & wellies to go to the cash point mid July when everyone else has shorts and flip flops on.
The kind of bloke who pulls the neck of his shirt up over his mouth and nose while talking to 'that smelly sales assistant' in pcworld (tbf he did have bo).
That fella who has a coin purse.
Who has electrocuted himself doing diy (more than once).

This list seriously goes on and on but I'd like to point out I love him to bits (despite him frustrating and generally embarrassing the living hell out of me and my wife) and although I take the ****, i will really miss him when he's gone.

He is a really ill chap (lung replacement/kidneys now packed up but to name a couple) so I think I'd be a bit odd under the same circumstance.

P.s.

The mother-in-law is hot so the less said about her the better

Originally Posted by G

Jesus you really thought about that post...

Didn't have to think mate, just type, if I thought about it it'd have twice as many stupid things that they did, and be twice as long, and lets face it, nobody wants that!

I talk to my ex-in-laws and love them to bits, they are sound people who've always treated me decently. On the other hand, I have told them that if I see their daughter, my ex-wife <spit>, in a crowd of 100 people while I'm driving a 40 tonne truck, I will run over 99 of them to be able to run her down as well. They accept this as she is a complete bitch and they know it.

My in-laws are never going to be as i am never going to get married.

At least my wife agrees, her first words when waving them off were

"Now I remember why I left home at 16!"