The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[DarrenSV650S]

[L3nny]

The wife asked me if I am ever going to stop singing Wonderwall
I said Maybe.............

The wife said she'd leave me if I don't stop singing Monkees songs, I thought she was winding me up at first. And then I saw her face...........

I went to the doctor about not being able to stop singing Tom Jones songs. I asked him if it was a common ailment.
He said, It's not unusual.....................

[punyXpress]

Trying to identify a moth, I see a certain progression here:

‪mother of the bride dresses‬
‪motherhood maternity‬
‪mother goose club‬

. . one wonders what next?

[BanannaMan]

Energizer Bunny Arrested:
Charged With Battery


No matter how much you push the envelope,
It'll still be stationery


Whoever invented 'knock-knock' jokes
should get a no-bell prize.


The other day I held the door open for a clown.
It was a nice jester.

[Trev B]

Wife said she would like to go to the Jeremy Kyle show for her birthday in December,so I sh#€€ed her sister last night and we're on next Tuesday,which is nice!!!

[DarrenSV650S]

[DarrenSV650S]

[Trev B]

Had a call the other day from the Emissions department and asked if I'd been miss sold TDI!!!

[punyXpress]

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
'Hallo, Mr. Hollande!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland ... I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well, Paddy,' Hollande replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'
'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'
Hollande paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command..'
'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Hollande, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Hollande asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'
Hollande sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'
'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Hollande, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'
Hollande was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'
'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hollande! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'
'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Hollande. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'
'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'

Originally Posted by Specialone

I was in a hotel in Syria yesterday, sitting by an open window, when this bug flew in and flew right by my ear then exploded, i said to my mate, "wtf was that?", he said, "Its one of those jihadi long legs!".


I'll get my coat...

Posted on the other thread too.