Am I in the wrong here....?

Bit of a long one this but it's been bothering me since last night and need some other views....so here goes

Housemate comes to me last night and says I've quit my PhD. He has been working as a research associate in uni for the past 5-6 years and he was doing this Part Time.

Being in a different field I wouldn't know whether he needs a PhD to progress in his area or not....so I raised this question to him and he said not really. OK then that's fine I said.

I progressed on suggesting to him that he might wish to take 1hr from his life (being 29) and write down in 3 different pieces of paper his goals for the next 3-5years, long term goals and what he would like to do if he was told he is gonna be dead in 6months.

I suggested that in terms of "planning" and obviously he could then put in place the process to achieve his goals. After a bit of explanation on this suggestion of mine he turned around and told me that he is old enough and I don't have to speak to him like a 10year old and that we have really different views on things.

The part about different views he said it a few times but he never went on to describe how his views were different to mine.....

I feel like a total a$$ for spending my time talking to him!! Firstly because of his comments about me speaking to him like a 10y old and secondly because he didn't even suggest that he might wish to try what I suggested.

Am I wrong feeling this way?? Should I just refrain from discussing things with him in the future?

Personally, my response would of been "Fair play fella, obviously you've thought about it enough to decide this is what you want, go for it, hope it works out for you, and give me a shout if you need anything."

If anyone had told me to write down on different bits of paper all my goals (short, mid & long term), I'd of probably seen it as your housemate did, condecending!

I was in the same boat as your housemate a few years back, I'd dropped out of uni, because I'd decided that it was getting me no-where fast, and costing too much money. Again, as your housemate, I had been working in the field that I was being taught at uni (and I had been so for 2 years before uni).

I was on a bit of a downer when I decided it was time to leave uni because of a number of factors. Mainly the combination that I was leaving my party lifestyle, countless friends, and moving back in with my parents (where I knew I'd get hassle for my decision).

Later on, I did sit down & work out where I wanted to be in a few years time. I'm glad I did, because I'm now where I wanted to be But if someone had told me to do it years ago, before I was ready to do it myself, they'd of been told where to go!

Cheers Baph,

you do realise though that as you said you did it yourself in the end?

Still failing to see why SUGGESTING such a course of action should have been seen in a negative way.......especially coming from a good friend?

I didn't force him or told him to do it....it was my point of view really and the criticism I received wasn't justified (I think)

I'm fully aware that I did it in the end That's the only reason that I now have a house (and being 23, owning a house is quite an achievment), and I'm employed in the job I want to be in, with a great employer, and even better career prospects.

All as a result of walking away from uni

However, the way was back then (and probably still am to a certain extent), if someone had of told me to do it, they'd of been told where to go. If someone had hinted that they would of done it in my situation, they'd of been ignored.

It was something I had to realise that I needed to do, by myself. Maybe your housemate is the same

I think it sadly smacks of **** (edit - not sure why this has appeared as **** it is a common phrase relating to proudness of a male hen) sure youthfulness. As a youngster (I was once - honest) we are less able to see beyond the front face of things and are extremely proud and reject advice in any form.

As you get older you manage to be able to see the intent rather than the presentation style.

Good that you tried to help.

Best thing IMHO is to say sorry bud, didn't mean to be patronising it wasn't intended. Don't beat yourself up about it after that. chances are its just his ego. He could have said, Hold back mate, know you're trying to help but I'm cool etc etc. I hope he feels a bit of bum for his reaction. He probably just needs to grow up.

I hate to say it but I find that employing degree students is a nightmare - I would rather go for lesser academic quals but with good attitude and train em up internally every time. Not tarring everyone with the same brush but the attitude of "I'm educated - know it all - don't you try to tell me" stuff is very common and this scenario smacks of it I'm afraid. When I have hired them they soon fall on their *rse just takes em a lot longer to be productive than others.

Originally Posted by Baph

It was something I had to realise that I needed to do, by myself. Maybe your housemate is the same

Baph you are 23 and you have realised that as a suggestion or piece of advise this could have been positive for you

I'm 25 and after doing it myself I thought I might as well share the knowledge with a friend to maybe try and help him.

This guy is 29!!

Me and you have both managed to figure it out being a lot younger

Originally Posted by Triumphumphumph

As a youngster (I was once - honest) we are less able to see beyond the front face of things and are extremely proud and reject advice in any form.

He is 29 mate when do people grow up? at 50?

Good that you tried to help.

Best thing IMHO is to say sorry bud, didn't mean to be patronising it wasn't intended. Don't beat yourself up about it after that. chances are its just his ego.

Then I think there won't be a next time.....it's a good thing to have an ego and we all do but sometimes it's best if we open our eyes and see the bigger picture I guess....

Maybe I grew up a bit earlier than I should have done

You're just lucky. In my experience 30 is young as a professional but of course it varies.

I've dealt with older people - mid thirties who still think they are early 20's but can't work out why they don't get respect from colleagues...

Forget it happened mate - it'll blow over.

I guess you're right mate....I'll stop thinking about it

yet it's still disappointing to be unable to have a proper conversation at the age of 30!!

I'll get back to my shell then....

Originally Posted by 600+

Housemate comes to me last night and says I've quit my PhD. He has been working as a research associate in uni for the past 5-6 years and he was doing this Part Time.

Being in a different field I wouldn't know whether he needs a PhD to progress in his area or not....so I raised this question to him and he said not really. OK then that's fine I said.

He is obviously a bit upset about quitting his PhD, and he already feels a bit like he's let himself down I'd expect, so his knee-jerk comment is likely to mean very little. As for his not needing a PhD to progress, I have to beg to differ. If he wants to stay in research, does he want to lead a group? To get a lectureship, or proffessorship? Get more money than just a high research associate wage? I know some very good research associates, but you NEED a PhD to progress significantly in academic research. Simple as that.