The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[punyXpress]

The Organist

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.
The voluptuous organist, reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said
...
Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday.

[Heorot]

How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, because he holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him

[BanannaMan]

I'm proud to say I managed to achieve straight As at school.
Problem was the Bs were crooked and the Cs were illegible

[carelesschucca]

Not really a joke but the whole of the work has just received this email and being an office in Glasgow its caused a little amusement;

subject: Missing Beer Goggles from the Health Fair Day

Unfortunately we are missing an expensive pair of beer goggles and I wondered if someone could have found them at a stall or have any ideas where they could be? They are required Urgently by the Healthy Working Lives Team.

Many thanks

Question is what are the Healthy Working Lives Team planning for the weekend.

[punyXpress]

Tell us on Monday, Dean?

[Matt-EUC]

Baa Baa Black sheep have you any wool?
shiiiiit n***a I got all the flyest muhf*ckin wool, whatchu want?

[Matt-EUC]

Oscar Pistorius woke up this morning and found that there really was a burglar using his toilet.

[Matt-EUC]

[BanannaMan]

Americans are like last years Christmas lights.
Half of them don't work and the other half aren't so bright.

[punyXpress]

Not a joke, really, but here goes:


This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 70's. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger,
though God knows after how many takes.

The irony is, BBC received not one complaint.
The speed of delivery must have been too much
for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms as you read.........

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying posspits, and shivelling shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards.. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.
The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked
on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince."Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and
a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!