The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

A woman in the street see a man go up to a dog, lift up it's tail and kiss it on the backside.

Woman "Oh my God, why did you do that?"
Man "It's for my chapped lips."
Woman "Well how does that cure them?"
Man "It stops me from licking them."

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are sitting on the top of a building during their lunch break. They each open their packed lunches.

Englishman "Oh my God, ham sandwhiches again. Everyday she makes me
the same ones. I work hard on this building site, and for what?
Well I have had enough. If I get Ham tomorrow then I'm
jumping off this building"
Scotsman "Oh ffs, tuna again! I'm sick of it too. I tell you what, if she
makes me tuna tomorrow, I'll jump off with you."
Irishman "Would you believe it, cheese sandwhiches again. Well I'm sick
of it too. If I get cheese again tomorrow then I'll jump off
aswell."

Then next day the guys open their lunchboxes to find they all have the same old sandwhiches, and as promised, all three jump to their deaths.

All three men have a joint funeral in honour of their time together. The wives all hug with tears in their eyes.

English wife "He never said anything. Why didn't he tell me? I could have
made other ones"
Scot wife "Tell me about it, I thought he loved tuna. Why didn't he
complain to me?"
Irish wife "I'm really confused. He made his own sandwhiches."

[Bluepete]

Q; On a scale of 1 to 100, how immature are you?

A; 69!

Originally Posted by Bluepete

Q; On a scale of 1 to 100, how immature are you?

A; 69!

I was going to put 'I like that' then I thought it might have sounded wrong, so I will just say I think this is funny.

[punyXpress]

Tickles yer fancy?

Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bob looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey,
breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Bob asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Bob asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you said, "Woman, leave me alone, I'm married!"

[Jayneflakes]

‎"Jesus loves you."

A nice gesture in church.

A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.



I saw this joke recently and loved it!

[DJ123]

My wife and I are like chalk and cheese.

I'm white and skinny, and she's primarily made up of fat.


My wife is like the sun.


My eyes hurt when i look at her.

Angela Merkel was going through passport control in Greece

Immigration officer asks "Nationality?"

She replies "German"

"Occupation?" He asks

"No, just visiting for a few days"

My missus' sister just knocked me out.

What kind of sick woman sprays chloroform on her used knickers?