Bah Humbug!!

My brother has just sent me this email on the back of reading this - I have tried to edit out the all the naughty words, but might have missed some, there were a lot.

Good. Shoot the noisy bassas.... And while we are at it, get Santa to shave his ghastly beard as it might hide his true identity (much like a burka). In fact revoke his NHS treatment for being over weight, ground his sleigh for no FIA approval, and get PETA to dig up his grandmother for his enslaving reindeer and having a fur lined jacket. Slap an ASBO on him for being Ageist (where the **** is my Xmas present?) and then do him for grooming children by dishing out secret presents out of sight of the parents.

Further, slap him in custody as an illegal immigrant, not paying VAT, import tax, and only employing short people of a certain race and colour. It is unlikely that he pays the minimum wage, and I bet he shops at ASDA and Tesco and banks at Barclays. Has his sleigh an MOT, are his reindeer low emission (doubtful, eating all that fibre), does he have valid insurance?

Tax him for encouraging drinking, capital gains tax on all his grottos, jack up his council tax 1000 percent in 10 years on said grottos. In fact shut them all down and make him get planning permission for the lot. It is unlikely his knee is DDA compliant, nor does he have an induction loop facility and all those flashing lights could cause confusion to the partially sighted. Make him take off his hood/ hat in shopping centres, and if those boots are rockports, bar him from pubs.

'Merry Christmas'? No way... Make it ' Jovial non sectarian two days skive'
'Seasons Greetings'? What does that mean? Happy frost bite and broken hip from slipping on ice?
'Happy New Year'? If the labour spin doctors get hold of this it would be ' Have an Ecstatic run up to getting your tax forms in on the 31 January'
'Goodwill to men on earth'. Ban it. Excludes women, children, and those on the space station. It does however exclude those flying and thus technically not on earth. The Green party will vote to keep this, as it conversely means 'Bad will to those in the air'. Those at sea get to puke up xmas dinner, and don't enter the equation.
'Ho Ho Ho' Not in Suffolk. There are three Ho's less and people should desist from Ho'ing as a sign of respect, or until they catch the beast who did it.

If the Underground ran xmas ....Unattended parcels left under the tree may be removed or destroyed. If you see someone acting suspiciously (lurking and singing on street corners) report them immediately. Xmas lights would not work due to signal failure, Santa's grotto would be temporarily shut due to overcrowding (if all the above hadn't done that in already). Xmas would be late due to the wrong fake snow being on the tree, leaves on the tree, or overrunning engineering works.

Gets my vote for "Rant of the Year".....

Someone got out of the wrong side of the bed. Will it be law next when some PC loon see this?

Originally Posted by Beenz

Someone got out of the wrong side of the bed. Will it be law next when some PC loon see this?

And I edited it first I think the government is being ridiculous as usual - they are trying to legislate instead of using common sense...

[Sid Squid]

If you read the newspaper article that inspired that excellent rant you may feel minded to issue one of your own.

I do.