Bullying

[timwilky]

My grandson is 12yrs old and on the autistic spectrum. I have just found out a kid is taking his bus fare/lunch money and as a result he is having to try to sneak on the bus without paying, going without lunch etc.

My response is to tell my grandson to give the little **** a smack the next time he tries it. (When my nephew was bullied my brother cured that by telling the bullies father rather forcibly what he would do to the father the next time the bully touched my nephew)

The women in the household are shocked at our nip it in the bud approach and want to work with schools/parents etc to resolve. Except the bully goes to a different school, a coincidence that the share the same bus.

So, does my grandson man up and fight back?
Do the ladies get their way and talk it away?
Do I punch the bullies father to sort his little **** out?

Option 1, is my preferred solution. He maintains his self respect, even if he comes off worse. The bully realises he isn't going to roll over and it is too difficult to impose his will.

[Chris_SVS]

Good kicking well justified

[Adam Ef]

First would be to try talking and reasoning, although I'm not sure who with if he's from another school. Easier said than done though. If it was one of my kids I'd be finding it hard to take the reasoning approach.


My son has got in trouble at school before for defending himself when weeks of being wound up by a bullying kid got too much for him and he blew his top. He ended up kicking the kid to get out of a headlock that was strangling him. Unfortunately no one saw if so my son got in just as much trouble as the bully. We weren't pleased with the approach the school took of disciplining them both. I told my son he was right to defend himself to get out of being strangled and to ignore the teachers. The bully left the school to move overseas shortly after so it never got any further, but I'm not sure what we could have done if it had continued. I was ready to keep him out of school though until the school could get a grip on the situation. That would have made them take notice. I'd probably have got in trouble with the local authority too for keeping him home but at least it would have drawn attention to the situation and hopfully prompted some action from the school.


Your situation is different though as it involves two schools and most of the time the schools don't take respnsibility for what happens on the bus journeys outside of school hours.


I'd approach the school for advice first.

[ophic]

Not really just bullying here. It's theft, and outside school grounds so it's a police matter.
But also totally justified to defend one's person and one's property. I'm with TW unless he's likely to get badly injured. Sometimes the bully comes back with a few mates.

[Heorot]

I was a nerd in a secondary modern school full of thick jocks and predictably, I was bullied. Early on I found that if I fought back as violently as I could and inflicting as much pain as I could, I would get beaten but that bully would never attack me again. The word went round after a few incidents and after that, I was left alone.

[Ruffy]

I think a blend may be best.

Engaging with police/school(s)/parents as you see fit may be useful simply to get the situation logged so that when/if your grandson does get into a scuffle there is documented history to support his side of the story.

I agree with other comment that this is more than just bullying, it's probably harrasment/assault and theft so criminal reporting to the police is also an option.

However asserting himself is always a useful life lesson but, as I am sure you know already, you will need to be careful how you encourage your grandson if he is autustic spectrum. Appropriate coaching can be difficult to gauge. He may not fully comprehend how to control his response, or may simply be emotionally overwhelmed by the concept of engaging in conflict, which is possibly why he is more easily targeted in the first place. Further retaliation remains a risk that he will also need to be prepared for. Without knowing your grandson, I realise I can't comment much on how he might be able to deal with it.

I always asked my kids never to start a fight but I told them they would have my full backing to finish one by whatever means necessary if someone picked on them.

(Sorry if this sounds a bit preachy. I have a little experience to relate to here: My son has Asperger's (as do I, probably). I remember quite well the day the police came knocking at our door after he had defended himself and a friend by bloodying a harrassing bully's nose and the bully had gone crying foul to his own parents. It took a little explaining but it went no further and there was no repeat.)

[Luckypants]

Depends on who you are dealing with IMO. If the bully comes from a family of thugs, you need to be very sure you can sort them out physically before taking option 1 or 3. That type think nothing of beating a child and you mob-handed, if they cannot beat you one on one.

Happily most parents are not like this and would be horrified at the thought of their child being a bully. If this is the case, a combo of 1 and 3 is effective. Option 1 is good if the child is matched physically to his bully and if he is armed with the knowledge his family will back him up in a 'righteous fight'- just standing up and telling the bully to get lost is often enough.

If not, then option 3 - marching the bully home and confronting parent with little toe-rag has worked for me in the past.

[Bibio]

bulling is a fact of life, it happens but there is a way to not be a victim.

tech the grandson how to fight. those that know how to fight dont get bullied its that simple. one punch KO works a treat. dont just teach a kid how to clench a fist and punch but also how to take a punch. it sounds cruel and feels wrong but its the only way to "harden" people up. start with a rolled up newspaper then progress to slapping so the kid knows what its like to be hurt. its the fear of pain not the actual pain thats the problem.

if you cant fight then send them to "contact sports" classes or get a family member in who can fight to teach them.

yes the kid is going to cry a lot and get hurt but at the end of it they are never going to be a victim again.

people who get bullied dont know that most bullies are cowards.

no amount of talking or confrontation between parents/kids is going to sort the matter out. violence ALWAYS trumps in this matter.

be careful that the bullied who learn how to fight dont end up bullies themselves.

[Sir Trev]

The two main bullies at my school were a good foot taller than everyone else and always had a posse with them. Most people who tried standing up to them ended up a mess on the floor and the odd week long suspension when the school knew full well it was them did nothing to deter them. I agree that if you can do so you should not bow down to them but pick your moment wisely and beware of a feral mob of uncles/cousins assuming their "little darling" has been wronged.

[Stingo]

Stand/hide near your grandson. When the little sod starts hitting on your lad lean in and ask him in a loud voice what it is he thinks he's doing. Then tell him you're reporting him to the police etc.
You need to be really careful what you say, and how you say it to those with autism. I know. My daughter is on the spectrum.