Classic Affair Stories

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
"How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied:
"Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

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Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison work."

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A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling
around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.




oooo thats just pure class that one is

[Stingo]

Can I join in?

How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to
Lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more
sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice
stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.




How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a
pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo'
sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the
whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the
'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

Originally Posted by Stingo

Can I join in?

How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to
Lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more
sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice
stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.




How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a
pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo'
sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
f*rt and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the
whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the
'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

Who started this myth that women are tidier than men ?
Both the women that I have ever lived with (when showering) leave clothes everywhere, use every towell in the entire house (and then leave them on the bed) and get so much water on the bathroom carpet that you could grow rice in there !
Plus by the time shes finished getting ready there are so many brushes, driers, tongs, striaghteners, products etc. laying around that it looks like someone had lobbed a hand grenade at the haircare section in Boots !

Runs and hides........

TOP TIPS FROM VIZ MAGAZINE:

FELLAS. Stand outside an Ann Summers shop dressed in a security guard's uniform with a smoke detector in your pocket. When a fit bird walks out, simply press the smoke alarm test button and voila! A free grope!
D Clegg, Cirencester
LEPRECHAUNS. Protect your finances by investing in a tracker fund, rather than relying on an ailing currency and leaving a 300foot technicolour arrow in the sky pointing to where you have hidden it.
David Goodall
CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a **** before the film starts.
Paul Collins
BARE patches on your lawn? Simply stop mowing a patch at the side and let it grow to a significant length. Then, with a rake, sweep it over the bare patch like Sir Bobby Charlton and TV's Robert Robinson do, to create a realistic look of healthy growth.
Tycho Andrews, Fulham
DISCARDED PALLETS make ideal 'designer futons' for style-conscious tramps.
Jamaal
FELLAS Pretend that you are TV's Anthony McPartlin out of Ant and Dec, by looking at yourself in the back of a spoon.
Mark Hudson
EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.
Johnny the E
SPOOK owners of cars with tinted windows. Upon seeing one driving past, wink conspiratorially and touch your nose.
Ed Wullbeck
DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
Fish Kid
WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a **** anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged.
Lee Cawood, Hull
MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.
Paul Hargreaves
GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending a £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.
Chris, London
AMERICANS. Build your houses out of bricks and mortar instead of cheap wood to avoid having them destroyed by hurricanes every few weeks.
Craig Meredith
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.
Nigel Austin
TEACHERS Avoid fancying 15-year-old girls in your charge by picturing them engaged in much younger activities, such as sucking large lollipops or frolicking naked in a paddling pool.
Bellester Smith
LADIES When invited to a Buckingham Palace garden party, go wearing hair rollers, so that the Queen will think you are going somewhere REALLY important afterwards.
Chris Davies
MEN Make sure that your lady always gets to sleep in the wet patch by ejaculating into her side of the bed before she gets into it.
Manytrix
DEAF PEOPLE Wearing oven gloves outdoors is an ideal way to stop strangers from eavesdropping on your conversation.
Ian Knott, Working
BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
James Smyth, Hitchin
GRATED cheddar cheese from the supermarket can be squashed tightly together with the fingers to produce a block of cheese, ready for slicing or grating.
Reginald
HOMEOWNERS Don't hesitate to tell the rest of us how much your house has appreciated in value since you bought it. The more frequently you give us updates, the greater will be our delight at your good fortune and our admiration and respect for your financial prescience.
Paul Bradshaw
WHITE wine splashed onto a red wine stain will clean it up quickly. Similarly, fat splashes on clothes can be easily removed by rubbing salad onto the affected area.
Rick Stein, Padstow
ONE ARMED men. If your partner is thinking about getting breast implants, convince her to save money and only get one done.
Sam McCrohan, Guildford
BUSY executives. Don't buy a Dachshund. Their amusing sausage shape means they take 50% longer to stroke than other dogs, and time is money.
R Bowen
ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
John Hills, Norwich
DON'T waste money on a new car with air-conditioning. Simply buy one that has been in a 'death crash' and let the ghosts keep you cool.
Russ, Sheringham
ORIGAMI ENTHUSIASTS Save money on expensive brown paper by simply folding Happy Shopper beefburgers. Also your final model can also be grilled, filling your house with the pleasing aroma of tramps' socks.
A. Morris, London
VULCANOLOGISTS If you are ever caught in a volcanic eruption, remember to jump up and down so that your feet are not constantly in the molten lava flow.
Ken Turel, Glasgow
DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
Paul, South Africa
FATHERS. If you have a new-born baby, never made a derogatory comment on your wife's skills as a mother.
Marc Johnson, Palace Hotel, Southend-on-Sea
A SIMPLE check that your wife has not accidentally left Flash Toilet Wipes on top of the cistern instead of the usual Andrex moist bum wipes will avoid cross words and marital discord.
Paul Berriman, e-
W*****S. Save yourself a great deal of embarrassment by checking that none of your housemates have come home from work sick and are sleeping in their rooms before you put a porn vid on in the living room with the volume on high.
Lachlan Barker, e-mail
CAR THEIVES Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
Tim, e-mail
DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
Stephen McGrath, e-mail
WORM farmers Double your yield by simply cutting every worm in half. Hey presto! Each half will grow into a new worm.
Laurie, France
WHEN replying to Nigerian lawyers that offer millions in return for a £50.000 finders fee, only send half the money. Keep the rest until you get the paperwork.
Dr Maldwin Palmer, e-mail
JEREMY BEADLE When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.
Gladdy, Airdrie
SINGLE MEN Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
Tubbs, e-mail
RECREATE the smell of farts by opening a pack of Iceland's diced chicken.
Grant Warner, New Malden
GUYS. If your lady's reluctant to swallow, make her eat halloumi cheese to get her used to the taste.
E.C. McG., Canterbury
BI-CURIOUS men. Go to a male doctor and complain of rectal bleeding. The resultant erotic anal probe will be a safe way to find out whether gayness is really for you.
Terry Wilson, Wallasey
ALCOHOLICS Don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
Ed Freeman, Email
McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
Richard Karslake, Oxon

[Spiderman]

Originally Posted by tricky

Who started this myth that women are tidier than men ?
Both the women that I have ever lived with (when showering) leave clothes everywhere, use every towell in the entire house (and then leave them on the bed) and get so much water on the bathroom carpet that you could grow rice in there !
Plus by the time shes finished getting ready there are so many brushes, driers, tongs, striaghteners, products etc. laying around that it looks like someone had lobbed a hand grenade at the haircare section in Boots !

Runs and hides........

Well all i can say is this. You have carpet on your bathroom floor How very 70s of you sir.

Originally Posted by Spiderman

Well all i can say is this. You have carpet on your bathroom floor How very 70s of you sir.

Yes, wooden floors or tiles may look good, but the're slippery and f£$%king cold in winter.