The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[Richie]

Don't forget comic relief this year, just 5 pounds can help a disabled African tell the difference between his girlfriend and an intruder!

Oscar Pistorius wanted to buy a new bathroom door, but his girlfriend was dead against it.

[keith_d]

I've just heard that Justin Beiber is releasing a cover of a Chumbawamba classic, "Can't breathe 'cos your mouth's full of s**t..."

This actually happened a few years back...

A new supermarket opened up and of course my x wanted to go explore. I ended up pushing the trolley while she pilled in the shopping. There was a lot of people there so she told me stay put whilst she went to fetch a packet of cereal. Ten minuts passed and she still wasn't back. Then a bloke bumped into my trolley as he wasn't looking where he's going and told me he lost his wife. I told him diddo and asked him what she looked like in case I saw her passing by. He gave me an explicit description from head to toe and made sure to describe her ample boob size with his hands and the curvy stature she had. Then he asked me how my wife looked. I replied, "feck my wife, lets go find yours!"

[Mr Speirs]

A duck walks into a bar says: got any bread?
Barman says 'no'
Duck replies 'got any bread?'
Barman a bit annoyed replies 'no'
Duck asks 'got any bread?'
The irate barman slams his hands on the bar and shouts 'WE HAVEN'T GOT ANY BREAD ALRIGHT? IF YOU ASK ME AGAIN IM GOING TAKE YOUR BEAK AND NAIL IT TO THE BAR!!!'
Duck says 'got any nails?'
Barman says 'NO!!!'
Duck says 'got any bread?'

[Dave20046]

Originally Posted by Mr Speirs

A duck walks into a bar says: got any bread?
Barman says 'no'
Duck replies 'got any bread?'
Barman a bit annoyed replies 'no'
Duck asks 'got any bread?'
The irate barman slams his hands on the bar and shouts 'WE HAVEN'T GOT ANY BREAD ALRIGHT? IF YOU ASK ME AGAIN IM GOING TAKE YOUR BEAK AND NAIL IT TO THE BAR!!!'
Duck says 'got any nails?'
Barman says 'NO!!!'
Duck says 'got any bread?'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q

[Shawthing]

With Pope Benedict still alive and now Pope Francis, maybee they should start a Franchise and call it.....






Frankie & Benny's

Originally Posted by Shawthing

With Pope Benedict still alive and now Pope Francis, maybee they should start a Franchise and call it.....






Frankie & Benny's

Frankie and Benny's Its better then Hell.....

[mikerj]

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to disprove some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.

We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

Grunty put this on facebook and I copied it on there, but, it belongs in here too;

The teacher asked her class to write down on a piece of paper the type of work their daddies did.
The children, very excitedly, scribbled their answers.
One by one, the teacher asked each child to stand and describe the job.
There was much laughter and screaming, apart from, that is, little Tommy.
“Tommy, why do yo...u look so sad?” asked the teacher.
Tommy slowly rose to his feet, and replied: “My Dad’s a stripper in a gay bar”.
The other children remained silent, as Tommy continued:
“Sometimes, he doesn’t come home, and my Mummy sits crying. Sometimes, he sells his body for other men’s pleasure.”
There were gasps around the classroom. The teacher acted quickly and dismissed the children, telling them to go out and play.
She then walked up to little Tommy, put her arm around his shoulders, and asked: “Is all that true, Tommy?”
“No, not at all, Miss. He really plays rugby for England, but I was too embarrassed to say”