The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

[fizzwheel]

Welcome the Comedy Club, the only place of SV650.org to post your own, your very own comedy stylings.

Usual rules apply. Keep it clean and play nice and enjoy the fun.

Please post your jokes and amusing videos here. Jokes posted anywhere else will be removed.

The thread will be purged regularly in a similar way to the mega thread.

Thanks Mods and Admins.

*Please note we are unable to provide any guarantee that posted material in this thread, will actually be funny.

point of order your honour - "jokes posted elsewhere will be removed.." can't the sweet gorgeous mods and rulers of our lives move them to here.....?

i bow before thee

ps

englishman irishman and scotsman go into a bar, the landlord says "is this somekind of joke..."

[fizzwheel]

Originally Posted by keithd

point of order your honour - "jokes posted elsewhere will be removed.." can't the sweet gorgeous mods and rulers of our lives move them to here.....?

Yes we can... Whilst we're letting things settle down with this. I will when I have time tidy up and move the jokes into here.

Once its settled in and everybody has had time to get used to using the comedy club, then no they'll be deleted.

Originally Posted by fizzwheel

Yes we can... Whilst we're letting things settle down with this. I will when I have time tidy up and move the jokes into here.

i love you

and thats not a joke!

[Richie]

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller",





he said "Not you again !"

If you cut off a pig's snout, will it become disgruntled?

St. Lukes Hospital for Paranoid Schizophrenics' Christmas panto ended in chaos last night when someone in the audience shouted "He's behind you!"

[fizzwheel]

Originally Posted by hovi5

just think i could have started 23 threads

If you don't laugh at one of these there's something wrong.

t



1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.



2. Phone answering machine message - "... If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."



3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.


The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."



4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.



5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."



6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.



7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".



8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.



9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.



10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.



11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.



Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."



12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."



13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?



Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"



14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."



15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!



16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.



17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.



19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"



20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.



21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."



22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"



23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

tommy cooper clasics

Originally Posted by hovi5

St. Lukes Hospital for Paranoid Schizophrenics' Christmas panto ended in chaos last night when someone in the audience shouted "He's behind you!"

Oldie but goodie

[fizzwheel]

Originally Posted by Scooby Drew

probaby an old one, but it made me smile this morning:

Dear Deirdre,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. The phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work. You don't know them."
I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner.
I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property. She then accused me of trying to spy on her. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down, that I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle, that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover.
So, is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?

Dave