The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

A Texas state trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco, Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said "I am a Magician and Juggler, I am on my way to Austin, Texas, to do a show for the Shine Circus. I don't want to be late"

The trooper told the driver "I'm fascinated by juggling and if you will do a little juggling I'll let you off the speeding ticket."

To which the driver replied "I have sent my equipment ahead and don't have anything to juggle."

"I got some safety flares in the boot, can you juggle those?" The trooper asked. The driver said he could.

The trooper got five flares from the boot, lit them and handed them to the driver.

While the man was juggling a car pulled up behind the State Trooper's car. A drunken driver got out and watched the performance, then went to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him and went to the car, opened the door and asked the drunk driver what he thought he was doing.

The drunk driver replied "you might as well take me to jail, 'cause there is no way I can pass that test."

[punyXpress]

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and
gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer is really messed up now.”

Originally Posted by punyXpress

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and
gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer is really messed up now.”

Love thar, how to make DJ really laugh

American TV companies did a survey in the Middle East. They discovered the people in Iran and Iraq don't like The Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabi do.

[punyXpress]

What is Celibacy? Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condtiion imposed by circumstances. While attending a Marriage Weekend, my wife and I listened to the speaker declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the little things that are important to each other ....” He then addressed the men. “Can you name and describe your wife’s favourite flower?” I leaned over, touched my wife’s hand gently, and whispered, “Self-raising, isn’t it?” And thus began my life of celibacy...

[DarrenSV650S]

[PyroUK]

Lmao!!!!!!

[L3nny]

She literally tore her hair out!

[punyXpress]

Subject: 5 Nights

A Geordie guy is travelling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and by chance is served by a Geordie barmaid. As she takes his order of a bottle of Newcastle Brown Ale she notices his accent.

Over the course of the evening, they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place and, although she is attracted to him, she says no.

He then offers to pay her £200 to sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders 'Broon' and, after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for £200. She remembers the payout from the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights, on the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders 'Broon' but goes and sits in the corner.

The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe, she can shake some more cash out of him.

So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Newcastle. ‘Byker’ he tells her ‘So am I, whereabouts?’ she enquires. ‘The Wall’ he replies.

‘That's amazing’ she says excitedly, ‘so am I - what part?’ ‘Tyne View' he replies.

‘That is unbelievable....’ She says, her voice quivering. ‘What number?’ ‘Number 20’ he replies.

She is totally astonished. ‘You are not going to believe this’ she screams, ‘but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there’.

‘I know’ he says, ‘Your Dad gave me £1,000 to give to you’.

HE WHO DRINKS NEWCASTLE, THINKS NEWCASTLE!!!!!

[keith_d]

Scientists have known for some time that plants feel stress. In fact they produce a wide range of chemicals in response to damage (http://jxb.oxfordjournals.org/content/52/354/1.full), and while it is more difficult to measure in plants than animals it is becoming clear that plants feel pain too.

Some of my vegetarian friends explained that one of the reasons they went veggie was the unneccessary suffering involved in meat production. Clearly they didn't realise that plants also experience pain.

So next time you meet a vegetarian tell them...

"Vegetarians, if you have any shred of humanity left, stop using the slow cooker!!"