xXBADGERXx`s Little Crashy poos

The Day of Dodgyness

Well , as some of you already know , I had a little bit of an “Off” yesterday morning . I had a feeling something like this would happen to me . The last time I truly rode the bike was about 3 days ago to do some shopping and visit friends in the New Year spirit and to go around and take the mickey out of their hangovers . Weather had been fairly Icy but nothing to really make me stay indoors . Cue Sunday afternoon and it starts raining , well more of a Drizzle really , that fine misty rain , let`s call it Pizzle instead ….. I like that explanation better . Later on Sunday night I look out the window and notice that freezing fog is hanging about like ………….. well , fog really !!!!! and it doesn`t bode well .

I wake up nice and chirpy and make some Crusty rolls with Ardennes Patè , take the Dog for a quick scuttle and remove the bike lock and cover (damn thing comes off in the same shape as the bike) and disconnect my Maximiser . I go in the kitchen and neck 2 Penicillin for my chest infection , throw the bike gear on and start the bike up . Once out of my driveway I realize this isn`t a normal Winters day as my boots are slithering trying to get traction as I back pedal the bike out . I decide to persevere because if I try to get off the bike I will probably drop it and we don`t want that do we . The bike stalls as I try to pull away as I daren`t give it more than a whiff of throttle on an uphill road with cold tyres and Ice covering the road in a Glassy sheen . I manage to get the bike moving and let her just take me over the Ice with a light grip on the bars and throttle held between a finger and a thumb . I get to the main road and it is gritted heaven compared to the experience I have just had .

I head for Colwyn Bay but the main road is closed for road works and I am Diverted up Llanrwst Road which is nigh on vertical , shadowed with spooky trees and darker than a coalminers earhole ………… and Icy , I negotiate that without too much drama and manage to drop back into Colwyn Bay and wriggle on to the A55 . 15 miles later I hit the St.Asaph turn off for work and immediately something is amiss , there are cars queued up and driving slowly and the road is White , that Silky crispy frost that makes cars slither for ages and a day . I decide to filter very slowly as I don`t fancy any of this lot slamming into me from behind and sandwiching me between their bonnet and the boot of another car . I look to my right and there is a car in a ditch , occupants all huddled together in Red blankets and the Paramedic Crew tending to their needs , I wish them well in my mind and hope no one is badly injured . I make it to the next roundabout right outside Police Headquarters , Yayy the road is gritted here and I carefully make it to the next roundabout and slowly turn left keeping an eye out for slithery cars and Icy shenanigans , only 300 yards to go . The company car park is off to the left and is notorious for having a lethal ramp that goes down about 4 foot into the “lower than the road” car park , an obvious place for water to run down and freeze . I let the bike slow down naturally (have been in first gear since the last roundy anyway) and decide to not bother with that car park and to take my chances with parking the bike near the Security Lodge instead .

The bike is doing around Ten miles per hour by now and I am in a straight line , then I am down and I slam hard . No warning , no telltale spiking of the thumbs , no hair raising on the back of the neck ……. even my common sense isn`t tingling . The whole bike just lets go on front and rear and hits the Deck like a barge being dropped from a crane and there is the Godawful scrunch and scrawp of what sounds like Tupperware being dragged down the road . I am literally dropping to the ground like Superman is flying , lengthways . My knee connects first , then my hip , my ribs hit the deck and my oustretched arm lands next then finally my hand hits the deck . Now in my past forays of tarmac testing my hand has literally hit the deck first , this was different . I immediately try to get up and am slithering on what looks like half an inch of glass . One of the Engineers comes over and I am not in a good mood and the swearing has started . People are slithering over the road trying to get to me but have to resort to calling out to me to ask if I am allright . I turn the ignition off and the Engineer gives me a hand to get the bike back up and I am dreading it , it sounded plasticly devastating at the time . I notice the bollock-end has snapped off the clutch lever and can`t see any noticeable damage in the dark , I pull the clutch in and slither down the ramp to get the bike out of the road . I remove my lid and beep myself into work at the lodge and go to see the boss to tell him I am off to the Hospital .

Hospital

He gets a first aider to come and tend to me , the Knee feels tight and sore and my wrist has gone the complexion of a sheet of A4 paper , including the little blue lines and Margin down one side . My hip feels sore as well in a minor way and the left ankle makes it known that it isn`t too happy about its treatment of late . My ribs start to hurt like hell as well and I reach for my inhaler and take a toot on it and that`s when the pain really hit me . The first aider goes and gets a car and takes me and one other guy who has fallen off his pushbike , to the Hospital . We sign in and the other feller takes a seat , I prefer to stand as my breathing is not dissimilar to Darth Vader by now and the coughing I am trying to avoid is making me sound like I am revving up . I get told off for standing and tell the nurse that I am happier that way , she tries to tell me again and I remind her that unless she has assessed me first then it`s just best to leave me be the way I am the most comfortable . I eventually get shown in and it`s her LOL . She assesses me and admits that it was best for me to be propped up as I was against the wall . She escorts me to a cubicle , well ….. she walks and points and I shuffle along , wheezing , covered in Black bike gear and I know what`s coming next . The curtain comes across and a cheery Nurse steps in with Glee and says “I`ve come to strip you off” ………… Oh joy . Cheery Nurse now has me down to my Undercrackers and then proceeds to tell me that her husband works where I do and I actually know the guy , so now his wife has seen me all but naked , standing there in Xmas socks and humourous Black Boxer shorts with big Red kisses all over them ………. Why couldn`t I have decked it when wearing NORMAL underwear . She gowns me up and fetches me a blanket and I lay down on the Gurney and get comfortable . She assesses me further and concludes that nothing serious is going on with the ankle , hip and wrist , but , she doesn`t like the way I am holding my ribs and the sound I am making . I assure her I have had worse and then proceed to cough and “OW” each time and she gives me that look …………. “Yeah Right , I`m, fetching a Doctor”

They say that Doctor Williams in on HER way to see me , oh joy , more shame from the underwear of embarrassment . An hour later and still no Dr . Hmmmm , suppose they are very busy on days like this . Then I hear a voice saying “Dr Williams is here” ………….. “oh great can you tell her to see the Biker chap in Cubicle 1 please” …………….. “Umm no she can`t , she`s arrived in a wheelchair and is in Cubicle 6 , suspected broken ankle” ………. DOH!!!!! . Eventually I get another Dr around 11 who examines me and notices from my records that I have been in there for Broken and Dislocated shoulder and examines that , I manage to move all the bits she asks me to and she`s happy that they are ok but wants an X-Ray on the knee . She then proceeds to check my chest out and puts her hand on my back and starts pressing ribs , that`s when they had to get 2 orderlies to try and prise me off the ceiling with broomhandles ……….. it hurt , then the coughing started then the pain again and off to X-Ray it was .

Oh joy , more Ladies in the X-Ray department and I have now vowed to burn the “Kissy Lip” boxer shorts because everyone is sniggering at them and I feel a right Charley Hunt for wearing them . I am leaned back on a cold plate for the chest X-Ray and told to keep still , the coughing decides to make a re-appearance and ruins the shot . Another shot is taken and the Knee is X-Rayed as well . I am wheeled back to my cubicle and the Dr turns up and says I have a cracked rib , possibly another one and to take it very easy , she can`t offer me crutches for my knee as it would irritate the ribs more . I thanked her for her time and got dressed . Ten minutes later I have got my Jeans back on and my sweatshirt and am nearly passed out on the bed with the effort (feel like a right cissy No0b) and manage to get the rest of my kit on . I am given Morphine based painkillers which I glom down right away , a new inhaler for my travels and I bid the ladies a good farewell and a jolly thankyou for their time and stride out of Hospital …………….. actually I don`t , I thank the girls for their efforts and time and shuffle out of their like somebody that has done 10 rounds with a Welterweight Boxer and am greeted to a scene of almost epic proportions ………. There are absolutely bundles of people in here with slings on , neck braces , legs wrapped up in bandages , Paramedics decanting people into chairs and scuttling back off again whilst throwing paperwork at the receptionists . In the car park it is no better with people coming in by car , very slowly and looking like they too have had an Icy fall . I am almost to the door when I hear my name being called out . It`s the Dr and shes a bit puzzled , “Where are you going Mr Roberts?” ………. “Ummm home” …….. “Oh no you aren`t , I haven`t said you can go yet , you are to stay here under obs for the time being if you will” ………… so I relent and head back in , almost made it to the barbed wire fence chaps .

I am checked on periodically and send some return texts to ones that were sent previously and organize a lift home , Luckypants offers assistance and was the very first to do so but I have managed to get a local mate to come and get me when I make the call . Dr comes in and checks my ribs once every 2 hours . I manage to get comfy and the warm buzz of the pills makes me very sleepy so I get some shut eye . It gets to around 6 and they are happy to let me go . I am very puzzled as to why they kept me in so long but don`t question the reasoning , just glad I am ok and seem to be in better shape than those that were wheeled past me throughout the day , loads of other bikers looking in a far worse state I can tell you . I give them thumbs up and they return them , not much I know but to some it`s enough . Eventually I am freed and I throw my bike trousers over my shoulder and shuffle out of there and make the call . The car is here within minutes and I make a bid for home .

Home Sweet Home and “affection” from the Dog

Once home I make some phone calls and return some texts and lie down on the settee , the Dog keeps coming in and nudging me and I say “Ow, quit it” and she has the huff and wanders off , then does it again 5 minutes later to get the same response , we play “Nudge/Ow” for an hour until I open the front door and turf her out , I can`t walk her in this weather like this so she has a scamper around the area for a widdle and comes back in , knocking me on the way past and I swear she aimed at me on purpose ………… little Cow . I manage to make some food and settle down for the night with some DVD`s to keep me entertained and texts from various .Org reprobates . From time to time I shuffle into the Kitchen for a cuppa and some more pills . The Dog is staring at me for some reason , I swear we end up in a Mexican stand off in the kitchen , I turn my back on her and she bounds across the kitchen and jumps up at me from behind and bangs me into the kitchen cabinets ………… she has never done this and is reaheaheaheally starting to test my patience . I turn around and realize she may be quite hungry so fill her bowl full of Butchers Complete and a big Dish of water . She troughs away at it then wanders back into the living room to give me a nudge for fun ……… I swear that Dog has a voodoo chew toy of me somewhere in that basket . I fall asleep on the settee eventually and wake up wheezing and amazingly stiff and drag my sorry ass up the stairs to bed .

Do Badgers dream of Electric Mopeds ?

Ok this is where things get really freaky . I have taken about 6 Morphine based tablets over the course of the evening and try to get some sleep . I roll on my left side in my sleep and immediately wake up cursing , I roll on to my back and feel like somebody is standing on my chest and get on to my right hand side …… ahhh that`s better . I read for a bit and slowly fall into slumber and start to have a “Morphine Dream” ………… some of you more experienced crashers are already nodding now in a sagely and knowing manner and remembering them fondly/screaming in terror <------ Cross one out .

I have a dream we (the Org) are all blatting about London on our bikes and having a nice rideout to the Ace Café and around the City for points of interest . We plot up at that place where they lay the wreaths for the soldiers and there are all Gargoyles and Dragons perched atop buildings and Pillars and it`s a sunny day . Girth is taking the mickey out of my back tyre as it is smoking for some reason in the center as If I had just attempted a feeble burnout and Wideboy (who I have never met) is taking pictures of it and laughing …… a few others join in for a Lunge shot and next minute we are surrounded by Police . We are carted off wholesale and accused of being “Scooter Terrorists” , we all find this mildly amusing until we are shown the video evidence . EVERY single ONE of us IS riding a SCOOTER , and we are 14 years of age . They show us a “Police Camera Action” style video of us all doing really crappy things on Scooters like pulling away from Junctions trying to wheelspin and do Wheelies , my scene shows me revving it for a burnout and stalling it and Wideboy is smashing indicators on cars with his boots . We are all dressed in Tracky bottoms as well and I am telling the Police that in no way is it us as we are all big boys and have big boy licences , he laughs at me as he fetches an ankle collar to tag me for my Asbo …………. That`s when I wake up and decide to get out of bed and tell you all of yesterdays proceedings

That is one mother of a post!

Originally Posted by suzsv650

That is one mother of a post!

I am known for my Epic posts from time to time

Oh that has made me chuckle so much A* Badger and you can have your hot cross bun back

[Drew Carey]

My friend, I have just been asked by many people why I suddenly burst out laughing in the office......your write up is priceless.......although unfortunate. GWS matey.

dont know about ur ribs mate.I think I have eye strain from reading that.Must remember to blink net time.
Wideboy and Girth ehh...say no more

Originally Posted by xXBADGERXx

I have a dream we (the Org) are all blatting about London on our bikes and having a nice rideout to the Ace Café and around the City for points of interest . We plot up at that place where they lay the wreaths for the soldiers and there are all Gargoyles and Dragons perched atop buildings and Pillars and it`s a sunny day . Girth is taking the mickey out of my back tyre as it is smoking for some reason in the center as If I had just attempted a feeble burnout and Wideboy (who I have never met) is taking pictures of it and laughing …… a few others join in for a Lunge shot and next minute we are surrounded by Police . We are carted off wholesale and accused of being “Scooter Terrorists” , we all find this mildly amusing until we are shown the video evidence . EVERY single ONE of us IS riding a SCOOTER , and we are 14 years of age . They show us a “Police Camera Action” style video of us all doing really crappy things on Scooters like pulling away from Junctions trying to wheelspin and do Wheelies , my scene shows me revving it for a burnout and stalling it and Wideboy is smashing indicators on cars with his boots . We are all dressed in Tracky bottoms as well and I am telling the Police that in no way is it us as we are all big boys and have big boy licences , he laughs at me as he fetches an ankle collar to tag me for my Asbo …………. That`s when I wake up and decide to get out of bed and tell you all of yesterdays proceedings

Sorry to hear about the off, but this bit really had me chuckling. Morphine is bad ****, I'm lucky I'm allergic to it.

quality, gotta love those opiates!

good to hear you are still in one piece.