Jokes From Wee Northern Ireland

Ian Paisley was on this tour of a multidenominational school and he asked the classroom: "Give me an example of a tragedy." A little Presbyterian girl stood up and said: "If a person fell of a tree while playing, that would be a tragedy."

"Very good", said Paisley, "but that would not be a tragedy, that would be an accident!" A little Protestant boy stood up and said: "If a busload of children crashed off a cliff, that would be a tragedy!" "Another good one", answered Ian, "but that would not be a tragedy, that would be a great loss."

A little Catholic boy stood up and said, "If you were in a plane flying over this country, Mr Paisley, and it blew up, then that would be tragedy!" "Excellent", said Ian feeling very chuffed with himself, "but how would you know that was a tragedy?" "Well," said the young lad, "it wouldn't be a great loss and it certainly wouldn't be a feckin' accident!"

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Rev. Ian Paisley dies and approaches the pearly gates.
St. Peter stops him. "You can't get in here" says Peter. "Why not" says Paisley. I've been a good Christian man all my life"

"Not according to our records. It says here you've been preaching hatred against Catholics and the Pope for years" "Now, Just a minute. I haven't done that for a long time. I'm a changed man.
Why, just a few weeks ago, I was walking past a Catholic church in Belfast and I heard some beautiful music. I looked inside and these wee girls were all dressed up for their first communion. Well, I called over one of those girls and gave her a pound."

"We don't have any record of that here" said Peter "And a couple of weeks later, I walked past another Catholic church and saw some boys being confirmed. I walked over to one of those boys and gave him a pound"

Again Peter looked puzzled. "We have no record of that either" Paisley continued, "And just last week there, I saw a nun helping the homeless in downtown Belfast, so I gave that nun a pound."

Peter said "There must be something wrong with our computer, because we don't have any of this on file. Let me talk to the Big Fellow for a moment." Paisley paced up and down, waiting for the answer. Finally, Peter returned.

"What did He say?" said Paisley. "He said here's your three pound back, now **** off"

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Gerry Adams is driving through Belfast and Ian Paisley is driving in the opposite direction. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions. Ian manages to climb out of his car and survey the damages. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Jasus, I am really lucky to be alive!" Likewise, Adams scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!" Adams walks over to Paisley and says, "Hey Ian, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of such rivals." Ian thinks for a moment and says, "You know Gerry, you're absolutely right! We should be friends and together work for a better N.Ireland. Now I'm gonna see what else survived the wreck." So, Ian pops open his trunk and finds a full-unopened bottle of scotch. He says to Gerry, "I think this is another sign from God that we toast to our new found understanding and friendship." Gerry says, "You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down the scotch. After putting away nearly half the bottle, Gerry hands it back to Ian and says, "Your turn" Paisley twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."

Made me laugh

I liked 'em SV even if no-one else did!!

[Speedy]

As a keen amateur protestant, I find these jokes quite offensive

[Spiderman]

I find it quite offensive that you think God gives refunds..

Nice