SV650.org - SV650 & Gladius 650 Forum - If women were football teams...

Birmingham - Pamela Anderson:

Used to look good in the cups but now a declining force. Plus millions of people watched them get a good seeing to.

Wigan - Davina McCall:

Poor attendances confirm they've been promoted above their ability.

Portsmouth - Girls Aloud:

Only one real class act among the hastily assembled line-up. You shouldn't like them but admit it, you've sneaked the occasional admiring glance.

Sunderland - Kerry Katona:

Once the people's favourite but now an embarrassment. Fun while it lasted - now disappear from where you came, please.

Spurs - Keira Knightley:

Undeniably easy on the eye with an attractive English spine and proof that two little ones up front needn't be an drawback.

Everton - Dannii Minogue:

The poor relation to the more glamorous sibling. Can anyone remember when it was they were supposed to be any good?

Fulham - Charlotte Church:

Proof that money can't buy you class. But could look more attractive if the Welsh bloke was given the elbow.

Arsenal - Jordan:

Were more likeable when they weren't packed out with expensive foreign implants.

Newcastle - Jodie Marsh:

Impressive front two but embarrassing at the back. Had surgery but need a lot more work to compete at a higher level.

Aston Villa - Dido:

Bland, boring and still trading off the one big hit they had years ago.

Liverpool - Sophie Ellis-Bextor:

Individually all the components look great but stick them together and it just doesn't work.

Chelsea - Rachel Stevens:

You'd rather just watch them than listen to all that painful whining.

Bolton - Clare Balding:

You wouldn't. Not even if they were the last team on earth

Manchester United - Catherine Zeta Jones

Used to look great until they were shafted by an old fat American with too much money.