"what vandal would even bother doing those things
?" - exactly
In various places, at various times, various cars I have owned have suffered smashed wing mirror, kicked door, keyed door, broken ariel, scratches on roof from traffic cone, scratches from footprints on boot, scuffed bumper, snapped off winscreen wipers.
All of it very very very annoying, but I have never worried about someone cutting my brake lines, blocking up my washer hoses, potato in exhaust or any other such 'intelligent' vandalism designed to threated my life.
You start going down this line of thinking too much, you will end up dismantling your bike before every ride to check its OK. (Although I am not saying that a quick look over is not a sensible thing to do before any ride).