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Let this be a warning - not much comedy!

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding
officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve
the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and
showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber
sandwiches, etc.) which protocol decrees, the retiring
colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers,
he's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this
office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was
surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless,
scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly
unattractive man less than three feet tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
''Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined
the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three
expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great
Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the
middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the
history of . . ."

At that point, the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind
all that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell
him about the day you told the witch doctor to **** off."