Without Prejudice
Dear Mr Jelster,
I am responding to your post of the 6th inst, on behalf of the Pennine Massive Consortium (Strategic Acquisitions Group).
We had carefully considered the position of the Soho Massive vis-a-vis SELKENT, and believe that any proposed acquisition by that party would contravene EC Competition Law (misuse of a dominant trading position) and would be unlikely to be sanctioned by the Monopolies and Mergers Commission (cases ASDA and Safeway, Morrison's and Safeway refer).
Notwithstanding the overwhelming and anti-competitive preponderance of Southerners in quasi-legal Moderator posts, our offer for SELKENT was made in good faith and in due recognition of certain territorial rights and hegemonies, not least that Soho is more or less in Essex, its inhabitants talk Essex, and was probably colonised by Essex persons in the late 17th century. It cannot be said that it has any sustainable rights over Middlesex who are a different breed altogether (and relatively civilised).
However, given the sensitive nature of access, we are prepared to consider that a joint not-for-profit company controlling Middlesex may be appropriate, to be called So-Pennine-Ho Thruway (East Bucks). This will allow freer transit of your members to South Wales (though why anyone should want to go there is beyond me).
We advise you that we have considered annexing MIGTS as a deserted property, all activity having ceased on 24 December. We presume that you have similarly considered Guildford Massive (sic) - our understanding of this area is that it is popluated solely by horses, golf buggies and 4X4s. As these rationalisations take effect, we would consider offers for Catford, Lewisham, Bromley and Dulwich, none of which places are core to us....or perhaps anyone, frankly.
Perhaps a Summit meeting is called for and I will suggest a suitable location. Please note that we Northerners often settle disputes of this nature with a free-style b0ll0ck-kicking contest, and you should come prepared for this with a nominated champion. For your information, ours will be Ming the Merciless who, despite having a substantial target area, is not a man to be taken lightly, as his recent skirmishes over a bike called Katey will demonstrate.
Sincerely yours etc etc
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