K

I think my dog's rules go something like this:

• Despite what anyone else thinks, I rule.
  When my pet human's arms are crossed and she's regarding me with a stern look and tone of voice, I will drop my ears, look up guiltily and proceed to get away with whatever it was.
  The end of the bed is mine, and if I don't want the duvet on there, it goes.
  You get up when I say so.
  You may go back to bed after feeding me and opening the back door...
  ... and I am allowed to then charge back in and jump on the bed - whatever the weather.
  Your nose and toes are simply there for me to lick.
  Your knee is my pillow.
  I am allowed to remind you about my dinner three hours in advance - you're human, you may forget.
  Big red bags mean Pizza.
  I am allowed to growl at the Pizza Delivery Boy - he is stupid and give it to the human.
  The Postman likewise deserves my wrath as he has a big red bag and no pizza.
  Thou shalt no tell cats I can actually climb the apple tree in the garden - I like to surprise them.
  Anything without wings should not occupy my airspace - that includes Hot Air Ballons and the Moon when it dares to show it's face during the day!
  My human's knickers are my 'Special Treat' to myself.
  If you leave socks around I am allowed to move them randomly around the house.
  It's my vomit and I'm not sharing it with you.
  You will, regardless of what state you are in, (tired, loaded with shopping, it doesn't matter) drop everything to tickle me when you get in. I am excited, you should make the effort to be too.
  It is something to get excited about when you go out for two minutes to empty the bin and then come back in again.
  If you go to the chip shop - the first chip IS mine.
  I will acknowledge your requests to return, sit or lay down when I want to.
  All sticks are mine.
  If I buried it - it stays there OK?!
  My name is not "Come-here-you-deaf-old-mutt".
  I will leave what I'm sniffing alone when I'm good and ready.
  I will do anything for food.
  My pet human will know her place.