Dilemma. One I wish I didn't have.

I have a dilemma, and I don't know how to approach this one.

My mum is 79 years old and has lived alone since my dad died 11 years ago. Over the last couple of years, she seems to have aged significantly.
Over the same sort of period her house has become less tidy and more importantly, less clean. She also seems not to be that bothered about her appearance anymore. Myself, my brother and my sister have all noticed these things. In fact my sister and I try to do a bit of cleaning when we visit, but we have to be careful and discreet becasuse we don't want to upset mum. My brother wants us all to go around one day for a mass clean up. I think that would upset my mum and we don't want that.
We need to do something as it does seem that she is becoming less able to look after herself, but how do you broach the subject? I can't just say 'Mum, your house is disgusting and you need help to clean it and look after yourself.'

I really don't know what to do.

"Mum, we're all worried about you - you don't seem your usual self, is everything OK? Would you like a hand with anything?"

Simple, yet direct.

Originally Posted by Baph

"Mum, we're all worried about you - you don't seem your usual self, is everything OK? Would you like a hand with anything?"

Simple, yet direct.

Knowing my mum the answer would be. "I'm fine, so don't worry. You've got enough of your own stuff to do without doing stuff for me."

My mum's not very good at asking for help or accepting it.

[Bibio]

you have to ask yourself... does she seem happy????

if she is ... leave her alone...

so what the house is getting a little untidy.. and a bit dirty, she is 79, after that many years dosent she deserve a break...

if its a case that she cant manage coz she is getting on, then yes i think she would be greatfull of the help..

She seems happy, but seems to have given up on everything. She used to enjoy trips to the shops or garden centres etc., but now she hardly ever goes out. She used to always have a nice tidy garden, but in her own words 'I just can't be bothered nowdays'. She's not even coming to my wedding as she says it's too far to travel.

Suggest a home help or carer (surely social services could help) - sell it to her as someone, "to help clean those hard to reach places" or, "You've paid your taxes all these years, let's let the council work for you" etc.

Im sorry to hear that mate, I hope everything is ok with you, your brother and your sister. Baph has the rite idea I think, an arm around the shoulder approach.
I'd maybe try to make it seem likes its her idea for you to do it.
Im not sure how exsactly it should go, but it'll be better if its not scripted.

[Shellywoozle]

Is she eating ok, lack of energy and interest can be result of a poor diet. I know alot of people who have reached a certain age and have lost their appetite and unfortunatley they become lethargic and disinterested.

Why not take her on a nice day out, or half a day to get her smiling. Maybe she hasn't 'given up' as you say, just slowing down a little due to her age.

Has she got any close friends that you can ask, bet she confides in them, you know what us ladies are like for chattering to one another.

Your mum probably just doesn't have the energy to clean up anymore, it can be really tiring. Is the house getting into such a state that it could possibly endanger her health? In which case then yes, something should be done. Especially if she keeps any animals. The problem at this stage is that people are still very independent and no doubt stubborn (for good reason) and so any help could be thrown back in your face. But talk with her and approach the subject as people have already suggested, she's probably unaware that you feel as you do and if she knew she was the cause of so much worry I'm sure she'd want to do something about it. She would probably like the help but is possibly too proud to admit it (I had a grandad exactly the same).

Maybe suggest a cleaner to come round once or twice a week and just give the place a vac and brushup etc.?

EDIT: Sorry missed Kinvig's post about that last bit.

Sorry to hear this

I had a similar situation when a friend of mine asked for help. She did volunteer work helping out a 90+ year old who had no children or partner to care for her. One day when she was in hospital I zoomed round to help clean the house thoroughly as she was too house proud to allow anyone to do it otherwise.
The house was disgusting. Maggots everywhere. Everything thick with the kind of dirt that could only accumulate over decades. It makes me sick thinking back to it now. Opening food cupboards to find them crawling with reams and reams of insects

My only advice would be to bring it up now before it gets in to the state I have seen, as the NHS are already overstretched, so the burden lies on you. Perhaps if she knew how much you all cared, she'd make more of an effort, as a lot of elderly people can see themselves as such a burden they just wait to fade away...

Good luck with it anyway. Sorry I don't have any worthwhile input; it's a crappy situation.