When good friends split up

Our closest friends have split up after 16 years of marriage.

He left her, went back to mum & dad, as usual there's a long acrimonious story, he tells it very differently to her. He sees her as a lazy cow, sat on her **** drinking coffee with friends all day, sponging off him and living the high life but refusing to be the submissive wife he requires. He is the only earner.

She sees him as arrogant, aggressive, he practically lives in the office, leaves her to do all the household work, she brought up the 2 kids on her own, I know that she does all the cooking, washing, ironing, household and money management, worn out by 8pm so isn't interested in sex because by the time he's home and wakes her up at 11pm she's been asleep for 2 hours and is dead beat. So he went and had a fling - a long fling at that - with someone 20 years younger. When she found out, everything fell apart.

Two kids, 13 yo boy and 6yo girl.

So very, very sad.

What to do? Stay out of it? Support as much as poss? She is hurting so, so badly, has practically been on her own anyway for 10 years - he is being a complete pillock and refuses to listen.

Hell I dunno, I'm not very good on people issues.

you have already spelt it out and your feelings on the matter

support her chase him

Originally Posted by Sythree

with someone 20 years younger

Pat on the back, I say!

sorry

[Balky001]

Sounds like there's some taking for granted going on there. But 16 years of marriage and 2 children, far too much history to understand without knowing them. If its worth saving then they will - don't get more involved than you feel is appropriate as they need to work on their issues, not be distracted. In all honesty they should probably seek (professional) councilling from an impartial party given the children situation. But all friends need support, especially at times like this. Time to be a listening post rather than a problem solver I think. I take it the guy's affair ended??

Originally Posted by Sythree

Our closest friends have split up after 16 years of marriage.

Poor kids.
You said our friends, So the bloke was a very close friend of yours too? You dont seem to impressed with him at the moment.

It seems like you could really easily end up falling out with him in a big way. Maybe this wouldnt be the end of the world. Or maybe, all of a sudden something bizzare happens, and they are back together again. And everything is mad awkward between you lot. Cause youre the guy that... blah blah.
Another thing I would be careful about is her, obviously being gutted, seeing you being more than just a nice bloke and confuse it for something else.
And then its awkward again.

I suppose... I am just saying, watch yourself and dont get burnt. When people are in these horrible situations, they can just start behaving strangely.
How about you and yours offer to take the kids off up the mountains for a walk if its a nice day, or water slides, something nice. God love them.

[tigersaw]

You have already taken sides on the matter, so tread carefully if you wish to remain a mutual friend to them both.

Support him...chase her!

I speak from experience when i say that it is extremely hard to try & support both sides of a relationship breakdown, i did it once & ended up more stressed than they were, in the end i had to sit them down & be honest with them, told them i would help when & where i could but they had to stop laying all their secrets on me, (horrible feeling when someone is pouring their heart out to you & you know the answers to their questions but can't tell them), got easier from then on.
The other factor to consider is the children, they will need just as much if not more support.
Whatever you decide i wish you all the best & don't forget you have friends to bounce things off if needed.

Even if you take one side over the other always bear in mind that you never know what people do further down the line. It's one thing to be sympathetic and listen, but quite another to articulate an opinion and run someone down. People who split don't always split forever and what looks irretrievable now may not be in 6 months time. So my advice would be listen, but choose your words carefully.

Originally Posted by Foey

...don't forget you have fiends to bounce things off...

Now there's a freudian slip if ever I was one!