What makes a man a man ....

1, OPENING JARS - nnnnngg, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.
2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.
3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.
5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.
6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.
7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" "Grr, what does it look like!"
10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".
11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that, Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are p***ed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.
16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red Lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."
20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the world's best driver.
21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, oh nothing much, just third-degree burns"
23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

I call people nipper... Oh how they love that, some times I also use 'lass' something that Zig noticed. Said it was odd.

Originally Posted by Grinch

Zig noticed. Said it was odd.

No! I think he said YOU were odd.

Also...

11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

I've done this, in my young lad days, on the site, breaking up concrete, having a fag. Used a petrol one too, that was fun.

Originally Posted by Scoobs

No! I think he said YOU were odd.

Ah yes, missed that.

...riding a superbike one handed whilst you flip the sun visor on the Caberg lid, stretching left leg out cooly after your long dusty 15 mile ride, moving deep esses to keep your tyres hot with beer gut resting against the tank at nearly 25 mph either that or you look a complete piltchard!

6 and 13. brilliant!

ABOWCO

Originally Posted by Scoobs

1, OPENING JARS - Look ladies, so he won't go to the Gym cos the lads half his age can lift more... let him open a jar, it'll make him feel strong.
2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Covers up the insecutiry of being reprimanded by a copper half his age.
3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Well, I just it's a first step... eventually you may be tough enough for a proper Rugby tackle.
4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - and thereby reducing a 6" pencil to a 1" stub in one go.
5, GOING TO THE TIP - Well, if it gets you out of doing the hoovering...
6, DRINKING UP - the art of covering up that fact that you've been 2 drinks behind everyone else.
7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - it was once a ruler, but you weren't sure how it worked.
8, HAVING A SCAR - Chicks dig scars - tell that to Simon Weston.
9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - a great disguise. Just be your lazy self in the morning and everyone will assume you have a hard partying night... even if you were the designated driver on Appletise all night.
10, NODDING AT COPPERS - we... half a nod really isn't it. More accurately it's the act of lowering your head in teh hope that he doesn't recognise you from the previous night. Don't forget, he's alsoo half your age.
11, USING POWER TOOLS - badly so that you eventually have to send the missus away for a Spa weekend whilst you get in a professional to fix your bidge job.
12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - So when it comes to picking a new carpet colour she says you have no imagination. Ha! You can imagine the cheers can't you?
13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... OK, you're on your own so you can't blame it on the missus... quick, cheer your own entrance and act half cut already and claimed you 'stopped off somewhere'.
14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - because you can't actually see past your belly to the scales.
15, CARVING THE ROAST - even though the missus bought the food, prepared the food, cooked the food and served the food - this makes you feel like you are the provider.
16, WINKING - Damn, the women are not reacting, quick, pretend you have soemthing in your eye or they'll think you've got some kind of nervous twitch.
17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - after all, it's the only time it's going to get used safely (see Power Tools).
18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for the missus to go shopping, but it's a small price to pay for a quiet afternoon. Oh crap, she's going to make you go too!
19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - due to the limited vocabulary of both parties.
20, PARALLEL PARKING - Don't let her see you sweat OK. So it took you five attempts to pass your test and extensive practise at 2 am when no-one can see you - but you screw this up and your whole world will collapse.
21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Simply a delaying tactic. The later the return to home the more likely it will be that she has already done the hoovering, washing up and taking out of the rubbish so you can simply collapse infront of the telly and pretned you had to work late.
22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - though when it happens no-one will believe you as you whinge about every little scratch or sniffle.
23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - for opening a tin of paint.

22 and 11 got genuine lols from me.

Originally Posted by Scoobs;1139325[COLOR=black

[/COLOR]
7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

who wouldn't?! it goes with my collection of rags