Oldys but Goodys

Courtesy of the late Tommy Cooper, gawd bless 'im




1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are
too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with >hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
"That soundslike Tom Jones syndrome.
'Is it common?'
"It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because
he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up
my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either
my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother
Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small >two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number
to climb as digging continues into the night

[carelesschucca]

Tommy..what a guy hey? So bad but with that infectious giggle of his! :P :P

[Biker Biggles]

Just like that.

Funniest bloke ever

Few more...

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please? ' And a voice said 'You are.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.

I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'. I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'. He said 'How can I help?'. I said 'Break my arms!'

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says: 'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'. I said: 'What for, Officer?' He says: 'My chips are too hot'.

And he said 'My dog doesn't eat meat'. I said 'Why not?'. He said 'We don't give him any'

I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to. A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said 'What do you want?'. 'I'd like to stay here' 'Ok. Stay there'.

I went to the doctor. He said 'you've got a very serious illness'. I said 'I want a second opinion'. He said 'all right, you're ugly as well'.

I went into this pub, and I ate a ploughman's lunch. He was livid.

I went into this ice cream parlour and said 'I'd like a vanilla cone'. The assistant said 'Hundreds and thousands ?'. I said 'No - I'll just have the one'. He said 'knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

So I went to the dentist. He said 'Say Aaah.' I said 'Why?' He said 'My dog's died.''

Good lines although many of them aren't Tommy's but Tim Vine's. But that's the measure of the man, even when he's dead he's coming up with great material.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

PMSL