Why I like the tax man, and hate the phone companies

[Red ones]

Aren’t phone companies great?

I wrote to ntl to complain about their attempt at Customer Service. I complained about the standard of the installation they put in and the mess they made of our house, the fact that they switched our email off for some unknown reason and getting it put back on was a long job because the “helpdesk” doesn’t speak English, the fact that 1471 and 1571 are services we should get but don’t, the price I am charged each month is not he amount I agreed to in May, and the fact that every time I call them to complain about these things I get charged at some silly rate. I also highlighted the “regular waiting on the phone for customer service to attend to matters that should never have gone wrong”

I have got a reply from them today…(Please note the grammar is accurate)

“With regards to your complaint about late payment fee, late payment fee £10 is company policy and you have to pay late payment as payment was late in July and September. However, this time I can come half way and remove £10 still you has to pay £10 as late payment. I suggest you should set up direct debit for future. If you like to set up direct debit then please call our customer service team and they will be more then happy to help you with this. I hope this clears everything up for you.”


I haven’t been late in paying – ever. I have a direct debit. The September bill isn’t due until next Thursday. Wonder if the phrase “blithering incompetent” has been used with these guys?

By comparison I had a letter from HM Revenue & Customs today, essentially saying “Give us a call.” So I did. “Mr Red Ones? We believe we owe you some money, you haven’t been claiming the tax back from your pension!”

So now I understand why so many people say that private industry could learn so much from the Civil Service. (I did get that the right way round didn’t I?)

Originally Posted by Red ones

By comparison I had a letter from HM Revenue & Customs today, essentially saying “Give us a call.” So I did. “Mr Red Ones? We believe we owe you some money, you haven’t been claiming the tax back from your pension!”

So now I understand why so many people say that private industry could learn so much from the Civil Service. (I did get that the right way round didn’t I?)

One thing you can guarantee, your civil service won't be farmed out to India. Incompetence in language does happen but thats purely down to the ever decreasing standards of English in our schools.

Normally people say it the other way round - but there are a few things the civil service do well and better than some private sector firms.

AAhhh Noddy Telephones Ltd (NTL)

you might like this



Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint letter of the year...have a laugh and
read on.
Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer complaint
letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)

Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had
not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity
of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details,
so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to
rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can
have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working
day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat **** waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
website....HOW?
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes
- an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem
had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem
arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours
between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am
still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my
mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a
variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly
skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an
answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be
transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating
Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's
in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were ****, that they had attained the holy ****-pot of godawful
customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered
to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless
shower of *******s you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of
distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.
British Telecom - ******s though they are - shine like brilliant beacons
of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and
foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that
you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for
the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused
rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my
cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for
both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not
become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the
time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did
not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them
the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless
employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of ****s.
John

Brilliant letter I knew it was going to be good when it started with "Dear Cretins"

[Luckypants]

Even though I've seen it before, PMSL at this most excellent rant.

[Red ones]

Hey - I received another letter from Noddy Telephone Limited today - in fact from the same person. I can report that although a day has passed, his grasp of the written word has not improved. It appears that my account number has now changed (I now conclude that his grasp of numbers is equally severely impared). Mr Popat is still just as sorry for the level of service that I have received. He should be, he is rapidly becoming the biggest cause of it!

Now note, my original complaint included:
the fact that 1471 and 1571 are services we should get but don’t ... and the fact that every time I call them to complain about these things I get charged at some silly rate. I also highlighted the “regular waiting on the phone for customer service to attend to matters that should never have gone wrong”

Todays variation on the reply includes the line:"I have put free voicemail service on your account. This should be [sic] allow you to use your 1471 service if not then you have to call fault team again"

Oddly enough I was not surprised to find that 1471 doesn't work. So I need to call the number and be charged at some silly rate while waiting on the phone for customer service to attend to matters that should never have gone wrong.

When would your patience run out? When would you address the letter "Dear Brainless Cretin,"

[Red ones]

Well, I am in shock!


Following my rant I was totally unsurprised when I saw that ntl failed to credit my account with £10 as promised. I was also unsurprised to see that they also charged me £1.49 for a service I didn't / don't want or even receive.

So I phone AGAIN!





Wait for it.....




































One ring and the phone was answered. "I have not received the £10 credit promised," "Fine, Mr Red Ones I will credit your account right now"

SHOCK!

"Oh, and why have I got this additional charge for a service I didn't request and that I don't know what it is?" "Don't know, in fact I have never seen that either, don't know what it is. Tell you what, I'll credit that back too."


DOUBLE SHOCK!


"Finally, 1471 still doesn't work," "OK, I'll put you through to the right department, please hold"
(Here we go - yawn....familiar territory now, breathe out)


TRIPLE SHOCK!

The phone is answered in about 5 seconds. I explain the problem "I'm terribly sorry sir, you have been put through to a back office, we don't deal with customer faults"

I am now back on familiar ground and I am beginning to feel comfortable.

"But, Mr Red Ones I'll see what I can do"


QUADRUPLE SHOCK!!!!!!


"Ah, yes. 1471? I have just put that right for you. Is there any thing else we can do to help?"


QUINTUPLE SHOCK!!!!! ASKING IF THEY CAN HELP!!!!!!!















Stiff drink please




oh and 1471 works!!!!

NTL have just merged with Telewest - sounds like you got through to the existing Telewest staff cos I've always found them to be extremely courteous and efficient whenever they f**k something up!

Now, if they would only stop f**king up in the first place...

NTL are utter b*llox Customer Service wise but have the infrastructure, Telewest have the customer services but not the infrastruture. This is why they merged. Telewest wanted to grow, the big wigs at NTL knew about there faults, but couldn't see a way out until Telewest put an offer on the table.

You should find customer services improves dramatically, and performance of the actual network/phone/TV service will degrade a little. (I've seen it happen before)

Next time you get put through to someone that speaks english to at least primary level, explain your frustrations, and ask them for the main switchboard number for their call centre as you'd rather not rant at an asian for something that is a side effect of their economy, not a personal trait. They usually understand the situation (mainly from talking to their own personal bank etc!) and wil oblige with the switchboard, which will just dump you in a queue anyway.