For the millitary among us - SV650.org

23-04-06, 11:23 AM

CORRIDORS OF POWER

 GENERAL
LEAPS TALL BUILDINGS WITH A SINGLE BOUND. MORE POWERFUL THAN SPEEDING TRAIN, FASTER THAN A SPEEDING BULLET.
GIVES POLICY TO GOD.

 COLONEL
LEAPS SHORT BUILDINGS WITH A SINGLE BOUND. MORE POWERFUL THAN A SHUNTING ENGINE. IS JUST AS FAST AS A SPEEDING BULLET. WALKS ON WATER (IF SEA IS CALM).
TALKS WITH GOD.

 Lt.-COLONEL
LEAPS SHORT BUILDINGS WITH A RUNNING START IN FAVOURABLE WINDS. IS ALMOST AS POWERFUL AS A SPEEDING BULLET. WALKS ON INDOOR SWIMMING POOLS.
TALKS WITH GOD IF SPECIAL REQUEST IS APPROVED.

 MAJOR
BARELY CLEARS NISSEN HUT. LOSES TUG-OF-WAR WITH A STEARM ENGINE. CAN FIRE A SPEEDING BULLET AND SWIMS WELL.
IS OCCASIONALLY ADDRESSED BY GOD.

 CAPTAIN
MAKES HIGH MARKS WHEN TRYING TO LEAP TALL BUILDINGS. IS RUN OVER BY TRAINS. CAN SOMETIMES HANDLE A GUN WITHOUT INFLICTING SELF-INJURY. DOGGY PADDLES AND TALKS TO ANIMALS.

 LIEUTENANT
RUNS INTO TALL BUILDINGS. RECOGNISES TRAINS TWO OUT OF THREE TIMES. IS NOT ISSUED WITH AMMUNITION. CAN STAY AFLOAT IF PROPERLY INSTRUCTED IN THE USE OF A LIFE JACKET.
TALKS TO WALLS.

 2nd LIEUTENANT
FALLS OVER DOORSTEPS, WHILE TRYING TO ENTER BUILDINGS. SAYS, “LOOK AT CHOO CHOO”. IS NEVER ISSUED WITH A GUN OR AMMUNITION. PLAYS IN MUD PUDDLES.
MUMBLES TO HIMSELF.

 Sgt.-MAJOR
LIFTS TALL BUILDINGS AND WALKS UNDER THEM. KICKS STEAM ENGINES OFF THE TRACK. CATCHES SPEEDING BULLETS IN HIS TEETH AND EATS THEM. FREEZES WATER WITH A SINGLE GLANCE.
HE IS GOD!!!!!!

23-04-06, 11:38 AM

23-04-06, 03:39 PM

Don't get it... I was in the boys brigade does that count?

23-04-06, 04:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Razor

Don't get it... I was in the boys brigade does that count?

Any ex NCO's out there?

tinpants · 23-04-06, 05:15 PM

Yup!

23-04-06, 05:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nick lord

Yup!

Does it ring true? I found it in Spike Milligan's War Biography. It made me laugh

Especially when I met a 2nd Lt from the household

tinpants · 23-04-06, 05:26 PM

Good God !! Its so accurate its spooky. New officers weren't allowed to do anything in the R.E's 'cos it was well known they couldn't do anything without hurting themselves. When I think back to some of the near misses attributed to the Y.O's (young officers- generally inexperienced d*ckheads) it makes me shudder!!!

Mind you, some of the longer serving officers were no better!! As regards the quip about Sargeant- Majors being akin to God I can only say its spot on. The penultimate SSM I served with was "old school". If you dropped a b*llock he wouldn't put you on a charge. He'd have you in for an "interview without coffee", give you a sharp dig and that would be that. The guys f*cking loved him!!! He was a soldiers soldier. Sadly he was court-martialled for filling in a sargeant. Lost his pension, his rank, and his job. Absolute travesty really 'cos the Sgt was a right nob.

The SSM's name... John "punchy" Davis. Top guy.

23-04-06, 06:20 PM

I love the story when Spike Milligan (19th Battery 56th Heavy) was given Bren gun 'lesson'.

The Staff were brilliant with lines such as:
"Treat the trigger as you would your bird's tits"
and
"This is the safe end, and this is the dangerous end"
"You're supposed to be killing Jerry not the f*ckin' sand!!!"

My fav was:
"Do you know the lord's prayer lad? Yes? Well go over to that tree, face it and whilst you recite it ask him to help you to STOP WASTING MY F*CKIN' TIME!"

N.B. I have added the swearing as these are quotes from our history

Richie · 23-04-06, 06:32 PM

I can certainly relate to all those quotes.

What it says about ammo and guns, but what it doesn't say is ANYTHING ABOUT MAPS...

old joke.

Q) What has an Officer and a Lighthouse in the Desert got in Common?

A) Both are very bright but no F ing use to anyone.

23-04-06, 07:18 PM

At work, about 2 years ago whilst I was kicking 7 shades of detritus out of a mower I had a very nasty shock:

I mean how much damage could this many horses do to my fine lawns?

Exel was holding a horsey thing in which the household cavalry were to do a set piece. Unfortunately they didn't put enough saw dust down. So while the floor was being looked at the dippy 2nd Lt decided to take all the horses and all of the men out for a trip round East London's quiet and peaceful roads.
When I asked him why he had to bring them into my park he told me that "They were getting a bit jittery"

What's it say for 2nd Lt?

23-04-06, 11:23 AM	#1
Caddy2000 Guest Posts: n/a	For the millitary among us CORRIDORS OF POWER  GENERAL LEAPS TALL BUILDINGS WITH A SINGLE BOUND. MORE POWERFUL THAN SPEEDING TRAIN, FASTER THAN A SPEEDING BULLET. GIVES POLICY TO GOD.  COLONEL LEAPS SHORT BUILDINGS WITH A SINGLE BOUND. MORE POWERFUL THAN A SHUNTING ENGINE. IS JUST AS FAST AS A SPEEDING BULLET. WALKS ON WATER (IF SEA IS CALM). TALKS WITH GOD.  Lt.-COLONEL LEAPS SHORT BUILDINGS WITH A RUNNING START IN FAVOURABLE WINDS. IS ALMOST AS POWERFUL AS A SPEEDING BULLET. WALKS ON INDOOR SWIMMING POOLS. TALKS WITH GOD IF SPECIAL REQUEST IS APPROVED.  MAJOR BARELY CLEARS NISSEN HUT. LOSES TUG-OF-WAR WITH A STEARM ENGINE. CAN FIRE A SPEEDING BULLET AND SWIMS WELL. IS OCCASIONALLY ADDRESSED BY GOD.  CAPTAIN MAKES HIGH MARKS WHEN TRYING TO LEAP TALL BUILDINGS. IS RUN OVER BY TRAINS. CAN SOMETIMES HANDLE A GUN WITHOUT INFLICTING SELF-INJURY. DOGGY PADDLES AND TALKS TO ANIMALS.  LIEUTENANT RUNS INTO TALL BUILDINGS. RECOGNISES TRAINS TWO OUT OF THREE TIMES. IS NOT ISSUED WITH AMMUNITION. CAN STAY AFLOAT IF PROPERLY INSTRUCTED IN THE USE OF A LIFE JACKET. TALKS TO WALLS.  2nd LIEUTENANT FALLS OVER DOORSTEPS, WHILE TRYING TO ENTER BUILDINGS. SAYS, “LOOK AT CHOO CHOO”. IS NEVER ISSUED WITH A GUN OR AMMUNITION. PLAYS IN MUD PUDDLES. MUMBLES TO HIMSELF.  Sgt.-MAJOR LIFTS TALL BUILDINGS AND WALKS UNDER THEM. KICKS STEAM ENGINES OFF THE TRACK. CATCHES SPEEDING BULLETS IN HIS TEETH AND EATS THEM. FREEZES WATER WITH A SINGLE GLANCE. HE IS GOD!!!!!!

23-04-06, 05:15 PM	#5
tinpants Ubique Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Forest of Dean, Gloucestershire Posts: 643	Yup! __________________ Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're a pillock

23-04-06, 05:26 PM	#7
tinpants Ubique Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Forest of Dean, Gloucestershire Posts: 643	Good God !! Its so accurate its spooky. New officers weren't allowed to do anything in the R.E's 'cos it was well known they couldn't do anything without hurting themselves. When I think back to some of the near misses attributed to the Y.O's (young officers- generally inexperienced dckheads) it makes me shudder!!! Mind you, some of the longer serving officers were no better!! As regards the quip about Sargeant- Majors being akin to God I can only say its spot on. The penultimate SSM I served with was "old school". If you dropped a bllock he wouldn't put you on a charge. He'd have you in for an "interview without coffee", give you a sharp dig and that would be that. The guys f*cking loved him!!! He was a soldiers soldier. Sadly he was court-martialled for filling in a sargeant. Lost his pension, his rank, and his job. Absolute travesty really 'cos the Sgt was a right nob. The SSM's name... John "punchy" Davis. Top guy. __________________ Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're a pillock

23-04-06, 06:32 PM	#9
Richie fantabulas Mega Poster Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Nr Durham Posts: 4,940	I can certainly relate to all those quotes. What it says about ammo and guns, but what it doesn't say is ANYTHING ABOUT MAPS... old joke. Q) What has an Officer and a Lighthouse in the Desert got in Common? A) Both are very bright but no F ing use to anyone. __________________ My Flickr photos

23-04-06, 03:39 PM	#3
Razor Guest Posts: n/a	Don't get it... I was in the boys brigade does that count?

23-04-06, 06:20 PM	#8
Caddy2000 Guest Posts: n/a	I love the story when Spike Milligan (19th Battery 56th Heavy) was given Bren gun 'lesson'. The Staff were brilliant with lines such as: "Treat the trigger as you would your bird's tits" and "This is the safe end, and this is the dangerous end" "You're supposed to be killing Jerry not the fckin' sand!!!" My fav was: "Do you know the lord's prayer lad? Yes? Well go over to that tree, face it and whilst you recite it ask him to help you to STOP WASTING MY FCKIN' TIME!" N.B. I have added the swearing as these are quotes from our history

23-04-06, 07:18 PM	#10
Caddy2000 Guest Posts: n/a	At work, about 2 years ago whilst I was kicking 7 shades of detritus out of a mower I had a very nasty shock: I mean how much damage could this many horses do to my fine lawns? Exel was holding a horsey thing in which the household cavalry were to do a set piece. Unfortunately they didn't put enough saw dust down. So while the floor was being looked at the dippy 2nd Lt decided to take all the horses and all of the men out for a trip round East London's quiet and peaceful roads. When I asked him why he had to bring them into my park he told me that "They were getting a bit jittery" What's it say for 2nd Lt?