The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

Girl dumped on live radio show

Village Barbershop


A man stuck his head into The Village Barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The man left.
A few days later, the same man stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The man left.
A week later, the same man stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The man left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favour.
Follow that man and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop.
The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go when he leaves?"
Bob looked up, wiped tears of laughter from his eyes, and said,

Your House!!

A blonde and a redhead pass a florists as the redhead spots her fella
buying flowers. She says oh ****, the boyfriend always has expectations
after buying me flowers, i don,t feel like lying on my back with my legs in
the air for the next three days. the blonde says dont you have a vase?

The builders

This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and a
group of building workers. It's allegedly true and makes you want to
believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human
race.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building. One day
Joe, Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a
house on the empty plot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally
took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started
talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold,
more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They
chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch
breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important. They even gave her very own hard hat and gloves.

At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope
containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home
to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to
the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the
little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the
fact she had a 'pay packet'. "You must have worked very hard to earn all
this", said the bank cashier. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked
all last week with the men building a big house." "My goodness gracious,"
said the cashier, "Will you be working on the house again this week, as
well?"

The little girl thought for a moment and said....... "I think
so............. provided those b******s at Jewson deliver the f**king
bricks".

[Wideboy]

hahaha

MIKE2165
I like that one!

Funny video made by Triumph


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKEuzxC4eGc

Originally Posted by teriyakimonkey

Funny video made by Triumph


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKEuzxC4eGc

That's so funny

Thanks therealvw, my mother in law sends loads to me, but most I could never put on here

What's the difference between Heather Mills and your car?










You don't burst out laughing whenever your car has a breakdown

[Essex of Essex]

A man walked into the ladies department of a M&S and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.
What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?
"Look around" said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable.
Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four
types of bras to choose from.
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:

There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the
Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.