The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

Chinese baby story


Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The


nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely Caucasian,


white baby boy.


"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.


"Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?" The puzzled


father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two Wong's don't make


a white, so I think we will name him...



are you ready for this???



are you sure you are ready??



Well....here it comes...













Sum Ting Wong

how do you turn a fox into an elephant..... marry it
whats the difference between a battery and a woman.... a battery has a positive side.
how do you make 5 pound of fat look good...... put a nipple on it.
what should you give a woman who has everything...... a man to show her how to work it.

[dizzyblonde]

HEALTH ALERT- DANGEROUS NEW VIRUS

there is a dangerous new virus being passed around electronically, orally and by hand.

this virus is called wearily-overload-recreational-killer(work)If you recieve WORK, from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else by any means, DO NOT TOUCH IT> this virus will wipe out your private life completely


If you should come into contact with work, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest supermarket.Purchase the antidote known as WORK-ISOLATING-NEUTRALISING-EXTRACT(wine) or bothersome-employer-eliminator-rebooter(BEER).Take the antidote repeatedly until all WORK is completely eliminated from your system

The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.

Night falls.

First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.

"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

Next up - the Paras. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.

"Are you taking the pi$$!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.

The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:

"Alright, alright, I confess - I'm a rabbit!"

Newcastle Utd chairman Mike Ashley was coming out of Eldon Square shopping mall when he noticed an elderly lady struggling with five or six large shopping bags.

"Can you manage love" he called out

Push off I don't want the job" she replied

Old but funny, one too keep the ladies amused.


Eight Words with Two Meanings1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.Female...... Any part under a car's hood.Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.AND;


He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?


He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . .. That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!He said . . ..... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . .. I would but you're never there.He said . ...... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don't have timeHe said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good- looking?
She said ...... . . They already have boyfriends.She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.He said . .. . Why aremarried women heavier thansingle women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Keegan signs Wright-Phillips SHOCKER!

http://i265.photobucket.com/albums/i...os/6tzpwf9.gif

Originally Posted by Pedro68

Keegan signs Wright-Phillips SHOCKER!

http://i265.photobucket.com/albums/i...os/6tzpwf9.gif

Very Good lol

[Richie]

SMART ARSED ANSWERS

6th PlaceIt was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in

the front row.

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.

5th Place

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened

his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said,

'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'

4th Place

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's

store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

3rd Place

The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped

for speeding.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way

without a ticket.

2nd Place

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck

under it.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab And said

to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of

petrol!'

SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's

final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here

tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,

or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses

whatsoever!'

A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,

'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and

utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,

shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write

with your other hand'.