The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

Have you heard they're bringing back the Welsh mining industry?




Yeah they've found some copper in Snowdonia...

(terrible I know , and I'm so gullible I actually thought they were bringing back mining when I got told it... )

[Wideboy]

man walks in into a pub with a meat pie on his head:

barman: "why have you got a pie on your head?"

pie on head man: "i always wear one on my head on Wednesdays"

Barman: "but its Tuesday"

pie on head man: "oh i feel like a right idiot now"

aha!!!

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said,
"Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied,
"It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
"I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said,
"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments,

Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

"Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off"

Teacher says to the class "what vegetable is it that makes your eyes water"?

Johnnie puts up his hand and says "pumpkin miss"

Teacher says, " I think you'll find its an onion Johnnie"

Johnnie says " ah, you've never been hit in the nuts by a pumpkin have you" !!

[Wideboy]

man walks into a pub and asks for a pint and a pie, barman gives him pint and pie, bloke downs the pint, puts pie on head and walks out...........

next day bloke comes back asks for a pint and a pie, barman gives it to him, bloke downs pint and puts pie on head then walks out, barman is like WTF............

next day bloke walks in, asks for pint and pie, down pint and puts pie on head, barman i confused.

next day bloke walks in and asks for pint and pie, barman says we are out of pies, bloke then asks for a crisps, bloke downs pint and puts crisps on his head then leaves, barman decides to go and see why he keep doing it........

gets out side and asks bloke "why do you have a packet of crisps on your head? bloke replies "because your out of pies"

A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....

He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own ****in' blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid ?400
for doing what I do for you for free."
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees
her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want to
see how you live on ?800 a year".

Shamelessly nicked from elewehere:

Woman's brian - woman's view

Ever wondered how a womans brain works?? Tis finally here in one easy to understand illustration



Everyone of those little blue balls is something that needs doing, a decision to make or a problem to be solved

A man of course only has two balls and they take up all his thoughts!

Woman's brain - man's view...

[Richie]

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the boot, who is really happy to see you!?