The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[L3nny]

Saw on Phrasebook

If the image does not appear, go here: http://i.imgur.com/IBpK0rq.gifv

[ophic]

Originally Posted by Sebulba

If the image does not appear, go here: http://i.imgur.com/IBpK0rq.gifv

Had to click the link. But that made my day

[andrewsmith]

That's made my day

Sent from my MotoG3 using Tapatalk

[punyXpress]

Sunset of the Empire

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding
officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve
the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and
showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber
sandwiches, etc.) which protocol decrees, the retiring
colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers,
he's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this
office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was
surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless,
scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly
unattractive man less than three feet tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
''Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined
the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three
expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great
Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the
middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the
history of . . ."

At that point, the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind
all that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell
him about the day you told the witch doctor to **** off."

[punyXpress]

Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Rotherham Pair In Hospital

A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session, left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment.
Furious film fan and part time plus size model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Ink It Good Tattoo Emporium on Wellgate last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur. Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.
“It was a big job in more ways than one.” he told us “I’d just lit a roll up and was finishing off a centurions helmet. It’s delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her **** to my fag and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire.”
Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.
“To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have been none the wiser.”
Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.
“I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrows not there any more. I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind’s more like it. You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.”
But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant;
“I’m still in agony,” she said, “and Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the go and there’s no way I’d guff on purpose. He’d had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that. I give him my five second warning and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just crept out.”
Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we told him what had happened “People just don’t appreciate the dangers. “ he told us, “We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days, now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart’. Anyone engaging in an **** inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.”

[SV650rules]

Priceless, bit of a backfire incident

[SV650rules]

My mate was following a Holland & Barrett van on his motorbike the other day when the back door lock failed and boxes of Vitamins and food supplements fell out, a large carton of Omega 3 capsules came his way and caused him to fall off his bike, he is OK though, was taken to hospital but was released a couple of hours later when his super-fish-oil injuries had been cleaned and dressed (with Tartare sauce and Lemon LOL).

[Blapper]

[punyXpress]

Other Nationalities are available:
Married to an Aussie girl


Three friends married women from different parts of the world.
The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days,
but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and
the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his
house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Australia. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't
see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.
His arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he urinates.