The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[SV650rules]

Snippets from personnel files


Since my last report this employee has reached rock bottom and started to dig


His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity


I would not allow this employee to breed.


This associate is not so much of a has been as a definitely never will be.


When she opens her mouth it is only to change the foot already in there.


He would be out of his depth in a carpark puddle.


This person has delusions of adequacy.


He sets low personal standards and consistently fails to achieve them.


Got into the gene pool when lifeguard was not looking.


This man should go far, and the sooner he starts the better.


Room temperature IQ.


As bright as Alaska in December.


If brains were taxed he would get a rebate.


If she was any dumber she would need watering twice a week.


Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.


Takes her an hour and a half to skive for 60 minutes.


Could be dyslexic, confused between confidence and competence, also ambition and ability.

[punyXpress]

Passwords

Me: I was doing an overnight at a hotel away from home. I took my computer down to the bar to do some data entries. I sat down at the bar and I asked the bartender,

‘What’s the wifi password?’

Bartender: 'You need to buy a drink first.'

Me: 'Okay, I’ll have a beer.'

Bartender: 'We have Fosters and VB on tap'

Me: 'Sure. How much is that?'

Bartender: '$8.00.'

Me: 'Here you are. OK now, what’s the wifi password?'

Bartender: ' "youneedtobuyadrinkfirst"; No spaces and all lowercase.'

[punyXpress]

The Logical Scientist


Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit
Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Dave: - Oh? What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house .... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't ********** very often?
Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a ******

[punyXpress]

Don't try this on your SV !

I went to the liquor store Monday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Johnny Walker and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break.

So I drank all the Johnny Walker before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

[SV650rules]

I had to close down my poultry dating agency, I tried every way I knew, but simply could not make hens meet..

[garynortheast]

I bought a muzzle for my duck the other day. It wasn't exactly what I was looking for but it fits the bill.

[andrewsmith]

A duck walks into a bar.

Duck: got any bread?
Barman: no!
Duck: got any bread?
Barman: no
Duck: got any bread?
Barman: no
Duck: got any bread?
Barman: no and if you ask again I'll nail your break to the bar.
Duck: got any nails?
Barman: no
Duck: got any bread?

Sent from my PRA-LX1 using Tapatalk

[chris8886]

Originally Posted by andrewsmith

A duck walks into a bar.

Duck: got any bread?
Barman: no!
Duck: got any bread?
Barman: no
Duck: got any bread?
Barman: no
Duck: got any bread?
Barman: no and if you ask again I'll nail your break to the bar.
Duck: got any nails?
Barman: no
Duck: got any bread?

Sent from my PRA-LX1 using Tapatalk

[SV650rules]

Two toddlers from our local playgroup who refused to lie down for their afternoon nap have been charged with resisting a rest.

[BanannaMan]

I named my two dogs Timex and Rolex.
Now they are watch dogs.