The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[Biker Biggles]

Showing your age with that one

[Seeker]

Public Service Announcement by George Clooney on behalf of UDUMASS.

The main PSA starts at 54 secs and is potentially NSFW because of beeped out swearing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Ab4...ature=youtu.be

[keith_d]

Came across this on t'interweb..

Unfortunately, my worst fears have been realised.

After four weeks waiting we have got the tests back, and my wife is severely allergic to our new puppy.

I don't agree with re-homing once they have settled in a place, but I feel I have to make an exception for the sake of domestic harmony. If anyone could help find a home for her it would be really awesome.

Her name is Vicky, and she is 37 years old.

[DarrenSV650S]

Must have been a website from the 90s was it?

[garynortheast]

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,
'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, 'Who are you?

To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.

You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED', said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause, the rabbit said ...

'Mixin-me-toasties

[SV650rules]

Never pick a pillow fight with death unless you are ready to face the reaper-cushions.....

[SV650rules]

"Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy"

"What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh" -

"A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows'" -

"A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it" -

"Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning" –

"I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it" -

"After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging -

"To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian" -

"I've got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts" -

[Seeker]

Did you know that God is on twitter? Neither did I, but he does some great trolling:
https://www.thepoke.co.uk/2019/08/22...d-won-twitter/

[Dave20046]

That raised much mirth

[Seeker]

As someone who spent a significant amount of time trying to catch horses that didn't want to be ridden, I found this video hilarious:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3dC...layer_embedded