The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[Paul the 6th]

Why did the Asian guy cross the road? To get to the other saeed!

And just for those touchy politically correct types, what do you call a man with a car on his head. Jack!

[keith_d]

....... I just got off the phone from a friend living in Scotland -


He said that the snow has been falling since early this morning and the drifts around his house are now almost waist high.

The temperature is well below zero and the wind is increasing.

His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.


He said that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

So, Capello has resigned.

An Italian deserting a sinking ship, who would've thought it......................................

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

[punyXpress]

SCOUSERS JOIN FERRARI


"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in lessthan 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech gear.


It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage overevery other team.


However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for!

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower!

I've dedicated my life to getting teenage prostitutes off the streets.

For an hour or so at a time, at least.

I hate when my missus talks during sex.

Usually it's something like, "Honey, I'm h.... WHO THE HELL IS SHE?"

[punyXpress]

They Walk Among Us - BE VERY WARY


IDIOT SIGHTING No.1

My daughter and I went to the McDonald's drive-through check-out window to pay our bill and I gave the clerk a £5 note.
Our total bill was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece.
She said, 'You gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'
She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we do not do that kind of thing'.
The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald's !!
IDIOT SIGHTING No2

We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two...'
We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in MoorPark, near Watford .

IDIOT SIGHTING No3

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING' signfrom our road.The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! I don'tthink this is a good place for them to be crossing, any-more'.Story from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire.

IDIOT SIGHTING No 4

My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce.
FromSouth Oxhey, Hertfordshire.

IDIOT SIGHTING No 5

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when an airport employee asked:
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded: 'That's why we ask'.
Happened at LutonAirport

IDIOT SIGHTING No 6

The traffic light on the corner buzzes when the lights turn red and it is safe to cross the road.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded: 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'She is a Local County Council employee in Harrow, Middlesex. (And she's NOT blonde)

IDIOT SIGHTING No7

When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been accidentally locked in it.
We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door-handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey', I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'it’s open!'His reply: 'I know. I already did that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans, Hertfordshire.
IDIOT SIGHTING No8
On a Tax course at Inland Revenue, Ripon:
Given an exercise to do, and to make it easy, had to work out the tax @10% on £100
Everyone else reached for their calculator!


STAY ALERT! They walk among us. AND THEY BREED!
. . . and the ones who drive cars are called SMIDSY!

[punyXpress]

For the Laydeez:

For that special evening on an Italian Cruise.

[punyXpress]

Subject: FW: Sunday's

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the Street activities.
Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.
'An ambulance just drove by!'
'Looks like the Anderson 's have company,' he called out.
'Matt's riding a new bike!'
'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'
'Jason is on his skate board!'
After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having a $hag!'
Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know that?'
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.'