How do you do it

I have been on the receiving end of that news when I was 11 and my Sister was 13. It will be 9 years this August when my Mum died.

My Dad was amazing through it all, though, I think because he was trying to be so strong and do so much for my Mum, me and my Sister it has caused depression in more recent years.

Get your mate to talk to someone that is not a family friend. I don't know about your mates situ but my Mum was at a hospice where they had councilors that helped me and my Sis.

I'm pretty crap with words and what have you but if you ever need to rant etc and don't want to do it on a public forum, just drop me a PM dude

My heart goes out to you and your friend Tim... what a truly awful situation. I`m guessing that this is the couple you took out for a meal recently? I can`t offer much in the way of help but below are a few points I always adopt when breaking bad news to people

• Never avoid an issue for so long that the kids might hear bad news from somebody else first.
• Anticipate that there may be awkward questions and be ready to answer them if you can. Perhaps think these answers through with someone else first.
• Choose a quiet place where they’ll feel safe and you won’t be interrupted.
  
• Turn off all mobile phones and take the phone off the hook!
  
• Be honest with them. Stick to making statements you believe yourself.
  
• Keep explanations simple. If you don't know or cannot explain something, admit that you don't know.
  
• Use words they understand. Be honest and avoid saying things in such a way that the young person might be left confused about what you’re really saying.
  
• Don't talk for too long. Tell the children what they need to know, give them a chance to ask a few questions.
  
• Reassure them they can talk to you or ask you questions about it when ever they need to. Make sure you honour this with attention and answers when they do.
  
• Anticipate that they might want to then ask unrelated questions or begin a distraction activity. Do not assume they haven’t heard you or are not reacting.
• Repeat key information at different times.
• Along with the bad news, reassure. Repeat reassurances regularly ie. mum will not suffer, mum will not be in pain
• Be prepared to offer hugs and attention if your children seem at all upset. Touch can really help. Make eye contact often. This can be very reassuring.
  
  
• Don`t push it, having told the children what you need to tell them wait for them to come back to you when they are ready to hear more or just look out for those moments when it seems right to chat about it together again.
  
• Remain as calm and loving as possible. If a particular issue upsets you too, that’s okay. It’s good for kids to learn that all of us have different sorts of reactions when tough things happen. If it becomes overwhelming for you, just take some time out to regain some emotional balance, and talk some more later.

Please pass on my best wishes to your friend.

Re. your own dilemna.... I don`t think there`s any easy way to break this news. Personally i`d wait for a quiet time and then break this awful news. I`d reassure your wife that though cancer is a terrible disease not everyone dies from it. There are literally thousands of people who are diagnosed with cancer but do not die. I have 4 friends who were all diagnosed with cancer in different places ie. breast, bowel, and throat and neck. These friends were all given the all clear years ago and are still very healthy and free from it.

I don`t know the origin of your wifes cancer but cancer is split into two types palliative and non palliative... the palliative means there is no real hope and the non palliative means there is a lot of hope and that they will recover. Reassure your wife that her cancer is non palliative.

That you always die from cancer is a complete myth.

Best wishes Tim and if I can ever be of any help please just pm me.

[timwilky]

Blinking heck Speedy you have a good memory. It wasn't recently, about a year ago I should guess. I was distressed last night as Steve had broken down whilst telling me. His own daft fault for going straight to the boozer after the hospice. but that is his way of handling his own stress. He was gutted as he had told his son that morning that mum will be alright, they will get her pain sorted and she will be home soon.


As for my wife. She is well, back working at the local hospital, getting on with life and living it. I know however, it is at the back of her mind as she often tells me about what has happened in her day and invariably there will be at least one comment about another new cancer patient.


Last night was hard, she has very few friends that have survived more than a couple of years, Steve's wife had bowel cancer at the same time as Lynne lost a breast. She was very supportive of Lynne, telling her that she was lucky that her own problems had been identified and treated quickly and had an excellent prognosis. Suddenly events like last night focus attention back onto living with cancer and not living a normal life.

Still I feel for my friend and his family, of course we all know that we will one day die and hope that it will be a peaceful pain free time. I cannot start to understand what he must be going through. I can offer him all the friendship and support but I cannot give him the one thing he wants which is a simple explanation of why her, why now.

[Jayneflakes]

Originally Posted by timwilky

I can offer him all the friendship and support but I cannot give him the one thing he wants which is a simple explanation of why her, why now.

When my ex partner lost both of her parents to cancer with in two years of each other, I was lost for words and despite my best efforts I could not offer what she wanted or needed. Your words there are so accurate and yet so painful.

I am very glad that your wife's health is returning. A good friend of mine has been clear for two years now and is starting to talk about being cured. Amazingly she has not stopped with her life and she is so positive and brave. I sometimes wonder if this is for our benefit, but then she smiles and tells us another wonderful story from her travels in her twenties (during the 1960's) and we can see that she has been so strong for years.

I know that a forum can be an odd place to talk to people, but in a way, maybe getting it out in words on here can help you heal yourself. Thank you for sharing this with us.

[Viney]

Verna has lost 4 members of her family to cancer. Mum dad aunt n uncle! Its never easy. You may want her slant on things, shes not all giggles and loonyness!

[anna]

Oh hun that is just the worst! No words really are able to comfort at this time, but the knowledge that there is the .org for you whenever you need it.

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Originally Posted by Bluewolf

Perhaps a few more success stories instead of "everyone I know is dead" please people..?

perhaps, but sadly its not going to happen in this case. i'm sure no posts such as the type you suggest would make TW think there may be hope for his friend, but i think this thread is more aimed at help in how to deal with what is going to be sadly inevitable

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I think your mate is going to really need some help and support over the next few months. If you think he's stable enough get him into biking and show him some 3 figure therapy!