The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

Just found the wife's g-spot. Who'd have thought her sister had it all this time?

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

People always look at me with shock and horror when I say that all Gay people should be hung.

All I want are larger c#cks in my mouth!

Tetley's say the secret to making a great cup of tea is to agitate the bag.

So I slap the missus on the backside and say: "milk and two sugars, fatso!"

[gruntygiggles]

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'.
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is . . .
TEACHER: No, Millie . . . Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right . . . 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
(Love this kid too)
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
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TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid !!!)
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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.

My friend has tried to improve the aerodynamics of his racing snail. He removed the shell but I'm not sure it's worked - the poor thing seems very sluggish

[rowdy]

A lonely hearts ad:

Man seeks a tall well built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
shia garden, classical music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
Please only read lines 1, 3 and 5
if still interested phone. . .

[rowdy]

Went for a check up for testicular cancer last week.

A little Thai nurse cupped my balls and said "don't worry, it's quite normal to get an erection during this procedure"

I said "I haven't got an erection"

She said "no, but I have"

__________________________________________________ ___________

The missus asked me why I always start to sing when the end of my penis entered her during sex.

I said "cos I feel like a pop star love"

"oh really" she said, "which one"

"Just in beaver"

[punyXpress]

A devout Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching from the Koran, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was nomusic, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab, and opened the door.
The Arab asked him, "What are you doing?"
The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so **** off and wait for a camel !!"

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible
out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing,"
he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his
rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren
blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought,
"What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's
arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at
his watch, and said,

"Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me
a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said,

"Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.