The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

Paddy goes to the vet and says "I think my goldfish has epilepsy"

The vet looks and says, "it seems fine to me, sir."

"Hang on," says Paddy, "I haven't taken it out of the tank yet!"

Taken from a mates facebook:

[punyXpress]

Sniffer:

A man had just Boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'
He told Sniffer to 'search'.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her
seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' said his seat mate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to crap all over it.
The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.
So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'
The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'

[keith_d]

You may have thought that our Olympic committee were having a bit of a joke when they played the South Korean national anthem for a winning North Korean. But they've got nothing on this:


"The medal ceremony at a Kuwaiti shooting event provoked bemusement and red faces when the wrong anthem was played to Kazakh gold medallist Maria Dmitrienko.

Following a mix up with an internet download, the winner had to listen to a spoof anthem written for the film Borat."


(http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-17494812)

Victoria Beckham has used David's involvement with the torch to get a role in the Olympics too.

She's going to be a javelin.

I sat in the park having a J. Arthur Rank over the page 3 girl.

An old woman came over and angrily asked, "Can you cut that out?"

"P*** off, buy your own paper!" I replied.

I've been on a medical trial for pills to help with erectile dysfunction

It had its ups and downs

[gruntygiggles]

I cannot convey Quite how disappointed I am the Congo were not in single file during the ceremony!!!

[BanannaMan]

All that fuss about Olympic security and the terrorists has a cunning plan after all.
Just let the opening ceremony bore everyone to death.

[Bri w]

What's 6 inches long, has a head on it and drives women crazy?

Money.