The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

Let's give it up for the Pakistani cricket team



The only cricket team ever in the world cup to come away with "The Ashes"

Why I Fired My Secretary

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant
and say, "Happy Birthday!", and
possibly have a small present for me

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to
breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday! "
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go!"

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"

I responded,
"I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok," I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .
Followed by my wife, my kids,
and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy
Birthday.

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked and erect.

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this
procedure for 2 weeks The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were
going to drop dead dat 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"


"No, from friggin skippin' !"

15 sailors captured for straying into Iranian waters


14 men - 1 woman.



Doesn't take a genius to work out who was reading the map does it!

Originally Posted by Triumphumphumph

15 sailors captured for straying into Iranian waters


14 men - 1 woman.



Doesn't take a genius to work out who was reading the map does it!

LOL

I bet you don't tell that one to the missus!!

.

Cop on a horse says to a little girl on her bike "did santa bring you that ?"
"Yep" she replied
"well tell him next year you want a reflector light to put on it" the cop said and give her a fine for £30.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said "nice horse you got did santa bring you it ?"
"he sure did" laughed the cop
"well" said the little girl " next year tell santa the **** goes under the horse not on top "

[Stu]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?"


"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you
could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."
"Next."

An Irishman goes for a job interview at a blacksmiths, the blacksmith says "you got any experience in shoeing a horse" the Irishman replies "no, but I once told a donkey to feck off"

Also nicked from another forum

Man sitting and reading the paper when his wife came in and hit across the head. "Whats that for ?" he said, which she replied "I've found a piece of paper in your car with 'Mary Ellen' on it ! ". Quick as a flash, he said that was the name of the horse from the races last week, which his wife accepted.
The following week, he's sat there again and his wife comes in and hits him across the head with a frying pan. Lying on the floor he looks up " WTF was that for ? " to which she replied " Ya horse phoned !!!!! "