The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a Surrogate
father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife
goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon." Half an
hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby Photographer happened to
ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've Been
expecting you."

"Have you really?", said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know
babies are my speciality?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat". After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"



"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch,
and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun.
You can really spread out there."



"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"



"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and
out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her
mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good
look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate and
when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we
can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too
big to be held in the hand very long."



Mrs. Smith fainted

So was he really a photographer or did he have a really huge penis?

That was about Beenz. wasnt it?

A lorry load of onions was spilled on the motorway today.

Police are advising motorists to find a hard shoulder to cry on

Originally Posted by hovis

A lorry load of onions was spilled on the motorway today.

Police are advising motorists to find a hard shoulder to cry on

There was a young girl from Cape Cod
Who thought that babies were coming from God
But it was not the Almighty
That was lifting her nightie
It was Roger the lodger, the sod!

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The "iTit" will be priced at £499 or £599, depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them

Originally Posted by hovis

A lorry load of onions was spilled on the motorway today.

Police are advising motorists to find a hard shoulder to cry on

A lorry load of wigs have been stolen from a warehouse.
Police are combing the area for clues...oh the old'uns are the best

So I went to the butchers.

Said can I have those two pieces of beef up there.

He said, no, the steaks are too high.

[Stingo]

Originally Posted by hovis

So I went to the butchers.

Said can I have those two pieces of beef up there.

He said, no, the steaks are too high.

NNnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooo!!

I asked our chef at work if I could have a couple of pieces of venison for lunch ...

...but he told me they were two deer.