The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[Dave20046]

Originally Posted by punyXpress

No Joke really!

Got kicked in the balls today. I was in the lift with a lady who had the most fantastic tits and I just couldn't stop checking them out.
She said "Would you please press One?" so I did.
Don't remember much after that.....

Like the time I woke up in a hospital bed and the nurse said "You may not feel anything from the waist down", so I grabbed a handful of her boobs

[punyXpress]

No laughing matter, this one!

The Squeezer


The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing £1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.


Many people had tried .... over time: weightlifters, dockers, etc., but nobody could do it.


One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice, "I'd like to try the bet."


After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "OK"; grabbed the lemon; and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence .... as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon .... and six drops fell into the glass.


As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the £1000, and asked the little man: "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"


The little fellow quietly replied: "I work for the Inland Revenue."

[Shawthing]

What does Miley Cyrus have for Christmas?



Twerky.

[Viney]

Originally Posted by ClunkintheUK

Bear and a rabbit were taking a cr@p in the woods. And the bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Excuse me, do you have problems with cr@p sticking to your fur?" And the rabbit says, "No." So the bear wiped his @ss with the rabbit.

Eddie Murphy - Delirious DVD 1983

[Viney]

Originally Posted by squirrel_hunter

Somebody has stolen my copy of Microsoft Office right off of my computer.

If the thief is reading this:

I will hunt you down and bring you to justice. You have my Word.

Sadly, you have no Power, Point this at the thief and his Outlook won't change and he will Excel at Accessing your system

My children wanted to put a snowman in the nativity set this year. We told them they couldn't - it wasn't inn keeping.

[punyXpress]

A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and
orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look
up from their beer and whiskey, expecting to
see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around
here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the
hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No," says the Canadian "I don't drive a taxi,
I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys.
He's one of us."

[punyXpress]

I went up to the checkout at M&S and placed down four bottles of wine and six packets of pork scratchings.

The Muslim guy at the checkout said, "I'd prefer not to put these through for you, sir."

"Oh," I replied. "Is that because you won't serve me on religious grounds?"

"It's not that," he responded. "You can get those for five quid cheaper at my dad's shop on the corner."

[keith_d]

Drinking and Driving

With the Christmas season just over, I would like to share a personal experience about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, just before Christmas I was out for an evening in a newly refurbished pub. I had several pints and a few G&Ts (it being Christmas after all!). Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I could be over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before... I took a black cab home!

Sure enough on the way home the police were pulling motorists over, but since I was in a cab they waved it past. So I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage, I don't know what to do with it!!!

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lickalotapuss