The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[BanannaMan]

Some people say to get the most out of life you should live every day as if it's your last.
I've tried it a time or two but lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask on and tube shoved up your ar5e isn't all that great IMHO.




I was shocked to find out how many men my new girlfriend had slept with.
Sixty one apparently.
She's always saying I'm her sixty second lover.

[keith_d]

Originally Posted by BanannaMan

Hey, we can't help it if we're the richest, most powerful nation in the world with the healtiest, most attractive, friendliest, smartest and most intelligent people.

Hmm....

Richest - only until China decides to sell dollars
Most powerful - but still can't beat a ragtag bunch of Afgan towelheads

Healthiest - only if you can afford the health insurance
Most attractive - clearly you haven't seen the Swedish women

Friendliest - who started two wars in the last 20 years?
Smartest - who elected George W Bush?
Most intelligent - see above

[keith_d]

Oops, I forgot the obligatory joke.

An American General and an British General are visiting Camp Bastion and by chance end up meeting in the lavatories. The British general finishes his business, gives it a shake, zips up his fly and heads for the door.

Seeing this the American general speaks, "In the American army we wash our hands after going to the bathroom"

The British General replies, "Well in the British army we've learned not to p**s on our own hands".

[BanannaMan]

Originally Posted by keith_d

Hmm....

Richest - only until China decides to sell dollars
Most powerful - but still can't beat a ragtag bunch of Afgan towelheads

Healthiest - only if you can afford the health insurance
Most attractive - clearly you haven't seen the Swedish women

Friendliest - who started two wars in the last 20 years?
Smartest - who elected George W Bush?
Most intelligent - see above

Erm..You do realize that whole bit was a joke, right?

[BanannaMan]

How does a young pikey girl know if her dad's gay?

She's still a virgin when she turns 11.





A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".







What's the problem?" The doctor asked.

I replied, "When I urinate, it smells of anything that I've eaten or drunk. For instance, if I eat sugar puffs it smells of sugar puffs, or if I drink a chicken Cup-a-Soup it smells of a chicken Cup-a-Soup. What can I do to make my **** smell like **** doctor?"

"Have you tried drinking Foster's?"

[andrewsmith]

The Geordie Thermometer

50 Degrees. Southerners turn on their heating. Geordies plant their gardens.

40 Degrees. Southerners shiver uncontrollably. Geordies Sunbathe.

30 Degrees. Southern cars will not start. Geordies drive with their windows down

20 Degrees. Southerners wear coats, gloves, and wool hats. Geordies throw a t-shirt on (Girls start wearing mini-skirts)

10 Degrees. Southerners begin to Evacuate. Geordies go swimming in the North Sea.

Zero degrees. Southern landlords turn up the heat. Geordies have the last barbecue before it gets cold.

Minus 10 Degrees. Southerners cease to exist. Geordies throw on a lightweight jacket.

Minus 80 Degrees. Polar bears wonder if it’s worth it. Geordie Boy scouts start wearing long trousers.

Minus 100 Degrees. Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Geordies put on their long johns.

Minus 173 Degrees. Alcohol freezes. Geordies become frustrated because the pubs are shut.

Minus 297 Degrees. Microbiological life starts to disappear. The cows on Newcastle town moor complain of vets with cold hands.

Minus 460 Degrees. All atomic motion stops. Geordies start to stamp their feet and blow on their hands.

Minus 500 Degrees. Hell freezes over……….Sunderland qualify for Europe.

[BanannaMan]

A rocket launches from Houston to Mars with two monkeys and an American on board.

Houston radios the first monkey and says, "Adjust oxygen 20%, stop radar and phase to warp factor 3."
Monkey 1 replies, "Okay, roger that."

Houston then radios the second monkey: "Switch off engine 3, start radiation shield and adjust anti-gravitational throttle.
Monkey 2 replies "Roger that."

Houston calls American: "Feed the monkeys, and don't ****ing touch a thing!"

[BanannaMan]

64% of U.S. students can't find Ukraine on a map.

Doesn't matter, really. Soon, nobody will.





I don't know why people in the US are so afraid of World War III.

Even if Russia declared war tomorrow, we are still at least three years away from the States joining the war.





Say what you will about George W Bush, but he wouldn't have stood for Russian aggression in Ukraine.

He'd have invaded New Zealand by now.

[BanannaMan]

Feel bad for the Crimeans today.

Let's all sing their national song, "Crimea River"







I used a public toilet today and there was a sign on the top of the hand dryer.

It read "Press button for a short speech from David Cameron"

[BanannaMan]

Shooting at Arabs and Muslims is no drama,
Especially if your name is Barack Obama,
Killing the farmers who grow for Zimbabwe,
It's second nature to Mr Mugabe,
Steal all the land, we are doing it daily
It's all part and parcel of being Israeli,
But taking a country without even shootin'?
There can only be one Vladimir Putin.