The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[BanannaMan]

David Cameron has announced plans to put a cap on the number of European immigrants entering the UK.

Good idea. At least then they won't get the sun in their eyes whilst picking strawberries.

[BanannaMan]

My daughter asked me if I thought she was wearing too much make-up.

I told her it depended on whether she was going to kill Batman or not.

[punyXpress]

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband,
"I must confess, darling, I used to be a hooker."
He says, "That's alright, dear. Your past is your past but, I must
admit, I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it."
She replies, "Well, my name was Nigel and I played for Wigan."

[BanannaMan]

Oscar Pistorius says if he beats the rap he'll emigrate to America and marry Amanda Knox.
He says he'll do all the cooking and look after the knives while she keeps the key to the gun cabinet in her purse.



At least we now know why Oscar Pistorius didn't take up wheelchair basketball.
He starts crying everytime he enters the court.




How many Paralympians does it take to change a lightbulb?
I'm not sure, but I know one who'll take a shot at it.

Peaches Geldof's body has been released to her family so a funeral can be arranged.

They're deciding whether to have her buried, cremated or tinned.





Too soon?

[Bluepete]

Originally Posted by Jabba

Peaches Geldof's body has been released to her family so a funeral can be arranged.

They're deciding whether to have her buried, cremated or tinned.





Too soon?

Nope!

Proper funny.

Pete ;(

[BanannaMan]

A little something for everyone today,



It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.


I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.


The midget fortune teller who kills his clients and flees is a small medium at large.


A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.


What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeño business.


Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives.


Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.


Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!


What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.


My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.


What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.


What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.


Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two tired.


I wondered why the football was getting bigger. Then it hit me.


Atheism is a non-prophet organization.


Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.


When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.


I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.


PMS should just be called ovary-acting.


I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.


You want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it’s pretty cheesy.


What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.


Dry erase boards are remarkable.


Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.


How important is capitalization??? It's the difference between , 'I helped my Uncle Jack off his horse' and 'I helped my uncle jack off his horse'.

[PyroUK]

If travelling to South Africa, please use only approved toilets:

[punyXpress]

If you think life is bad.....
How would you like to be an egg?
You only get laid once.
You only get eaten once.
It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft.
You share your box with 11 other guys.
But worst of all....
The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.

[Viney]

Bananananananaman and the rest of you orrible lot

Just a word about your jokes. Remember the U rating dear boy. Some of yours would be questionable. Not saying they aint funny just not really for all audiences.

Other than that, keep em up.

Thank you