Dealing with death and funerals

A morbid thread title I know but I felt I needed to post so bear with me. Might even help others in similar situations.

So come Monday I will have been to my second funeral this week, third in 2 months and for the 4th friend/relative in as many months. Before that I had been to one other, YC's grandad. Strange how it all comes at once.

Might sound weird but not sure I know how to grieve properly. How do you do it, how do you know you're coping? When I was told my housemate from uni had died in October I was so shocked that as soon as I hung up the phone I was overcome with this huge wave of emotion, crying the lot. The second recent death was a husband of a friend, not someone I was overly close to (although I was fairly close to the wife so I saw this chap fairly regular and thus saw him spiraling downwards with cancer towards the end). The friend this week was someone I was really sad to go and his funeral was upsetting like nothing I'd experienced before, seeing his recently graduated-as-a-doctor daughter giving a speech about "the best dad in the world" was traumatic to say the least. Don't know how she did it, she only just about did really.

And then I have my grandad's this week. I just don't feel like I'm reacting to it like I should. When I was told - on the phone again - I didn't hang up and burst into tears. I just carried on with my day. But then the next day I had a bit of a cry watching the birds in the garden and I thought, "is that it? is that all I've got to give?" I wasn't really close to him, I was more so when I was a wee girl but I still feel saddened and wish I could have done more and made more of an effort. Always the way. And I know I shouldn't feel like that but I guess it can't be helped.

So anyway, after me pouring my heart out to you all (sorry about that...) I was wondering if you could give some thoughts on how you coped with the passing of close friends/relatives/even people you didn't know too well but still felt obliged to attend that last goodbye ceremony. I know death happens all the time but I don't like this feeling of not caring, even though I do I'm just not sure I know how to express it

MYC, in a bit of a mindpickle...

It's not easy Maria and to be honest, I think everyone deals with in such different ways that it will be hard for anyone to do anything other than just relay how they did it. There's no right way or wrong way to react to it.

I've only had one close family member die, but I have been to friends funerals and other family members funerals. My Granma died in July last year, after quite a long battle with lung cancer which then spread to her brain. She was in a local hospital for the last two weeks of her life and I kid you not, I spent every spare minute when I wasn't working with her. I would just go and read a book whilst she was there sleeping, but she knew I was there. I was there the morning she died, and for that I will be eternally grateful. I didn't cry at the hospital, I put my "work hat" on as it were and I looked after my Granpa and the rest of the family. I was incredibly close to both my Granma and Granpa when I was little and I spent all my weekends and school holidays with them.

That day, I went home to Mum and Dads and then I went 'round to the flat I was in at the time and as soon as I shut the door, I crumpled. Floods of tears for about 10 minutes and then that was it. Nothing more.

The funeral was a different story. I held it together pretty well until the end of the ceremony and the undertakers bowed at the coffin and I crumpled, properly crumpled. I couldn't even walk properly and my brother practically carried me out of the door of the church. At the graveside, I had a cord and I managed to hold it together to do that.

I still grieve for her, I will hear a song that she liked or something and occasionally I still have the odd cry.

One thing I will say is, you don't have to breakdown or bawl and cry for it to mean that you care about it, and I think perhaps the difference is that you expect to have to deal with the death of grandparents at some point but at your age you don't expect to have to deal with the death of someone you lived with. I dunno, I'm rambling a bit but I hope you get what I mean.

Miss YC, you are too young for this. You should have had more joyous life before being hit with this.

Back in the early 2000's I had a very similar situation. I lost my Mother, Grandfather, uncle and cat (trivial, I know but it adds up) and also had my girlfriend leave without notice and fly back to Japan. All in 6 weeks.

I remember clearly shouting up at the sky "IS THAT ALL YOU'VE GOT"

and bizarrly, I don't have much advice for you. Everyone is different, we each grieve in a different way. All I will say it talk to someone about it. I didn't and I should have. I was a big roughy-toughy bloke who just bottled it up and it *must* come out eventually. I just wouldn't let it. I was working in Germany at the time and flew back three times for funerals.

And time is a great healer but it does leave the scars.

I hope 2011 turns out to be a really good year for you.

C

[andrewsmith]

MYC everyone deals with death in there own way.

The sad thing is I carry on with my day. I can't physically cope with grievance I just run away from it

[G]

For me recently I have had the canny ability to completely remove myself from emotion. Not necessarily in a good way though, as it can come across as being cold, but it's my way of dealing with things

I had some pretty stressful times in the past with uni, work, the death of close family and the death of family I really really wish I had been much closer too.

My sisters little boy died a couple of years ago, it was pretty horrific, and my grandad died last year which was similarly awful. The only time I got emotional is when I saw other people getting really upset, close family, like my dad. That's really quite upsetting

Since my sisters little boy died though I have had a completely different outlook on life. I try to enjoy myself and live for today, and I try not to dwell on things. It can come across as cold and selfish sometimes, and perhaps it is, but C'est la vie.

Aww blimey, I'm sorry if this thread has ended up dragging up painful memories for you but I guess it helps to talk.

I understand this, removing from emotion thing, must be what I'm doing, suppose my brain just switches off and I carry on. I still don't feel 100% but I don't sit and mope, maybe I should.

I know we all deal with it differently, and thanks for taking the time to write what you've experienced, really appreciate it #hugs#

I've had friends and loves ones pass away and reacted differently each time.
For some I cried buckets & others I've simply sat and quietly remembered the good times.

I sometimes find myself thinking about when my farther in law will die (this may sound odd but bare with me) as he is in & out of hospital very often re his lung transplant.
They gave him 5 years longer than 5 years ago.
Then I imediately think about the extra time we've had with him and how he's seen his daughter marry me, his beautiful Grandson (now 3) and who knows maybe he'll sick around long enough to see his son marry (or pigs fly).

I don't want this to sound like I'm on a constant downer, instead I'm trying to say my emotions run high both when feeling happy or sad and that my only advice is to focus on the happiness or the sadness can get a little too much sometimes.

Originally Posted by Fruity-ya-ya

I sometimes find myself thinking about when my farther in law will die

I've found myself to be thinking about this a lot today strangely. Well about my mum not in law. Thing is, when she goes, it will be down to me to make most of the funeral arrangements. Sounds odd but I was trying to think of what songs she'd want playing, all sorts and then I thought hell, it's too much responsibility, I wouldn't know where to start! Hope its not for a long while yet

Originally Posted by missyorkie_chris

Hope its not for a long while yet

+1 Lets hope x

[andrewsmith]

Originally Posted by missyorkie_chris

I understand this, removing from emotion thing, must be what I'm doing, suppose my brain just switches off and I carry on. I still don't feel 100% but I don't sit and mope, maybe I should.

Mentally I'm cold and I do block things out!
It takes a hell of a lot for me to acknowledge an event. Moping get no one, no where! My mother took a month from work after my grandmother died, but she forced herself back to work, it helped her as it meant she had more than one thing to focus upon.