Understanding Engineers.

This came through the humour mailer list at work, thought a few might be interested on here.

• Understanding Engineers- One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."


• Understanding Engineers- Two

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

• Understanding Engineers- Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

• Understanding Engineers- Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.


• Understanding Engineers- Five

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

• Understanding Engineers- Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

• Understanding Engineers- Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

• Understanding Engineers- Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Seen this before, but it still brings a smile to my face

Haha awesome copied and sent around work.

[MisterTommyH]

Heard most of them before, but they're still brilliant.

I particularly like the one below because it's sooo true to life:

Movie Remake: "A FEW GOOD ENGINEERS"

STRUCTURAL ENGINEER: You want answers?

ARCHITECT: I think I'm entitled to them.

STRUCTURAL ENGINEER: You want answers?!

ARCHITECT: I want the truth!

STRUCTURAL ENGINEER: You can't HANDLE the truth!!

Son, we live in a world that has BEAMS, GIRDERS AND COLUMNS. And those things have to SUPPORT THE BUILDING. Who's gonna DESIGN THEM? You?

You, Mr. Architect?

I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for LOST CEILING HEIGHT and you curse the SIZE OF MY GIRDERS.

You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that THOSE GIRDERS, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives...

You don't want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you WANT me on that DESIGN TEAM. You NEED me on that DESIGN TEAM.

We use words like DESIGN, CODE, ANALYSIS...we use these words as the backbone to a life spent PROVIDING STRUCTURAL SAFETY AND SERVICEABILITY.

You use 'em as a punch line. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain my DESIGN to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very SAFETY I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it!

I'd rather you just said thank you and went on your way.

Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a STEEL MANUAL and DESIGN a STEEL FRAME.

Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!

ARCHITECT: Did you OVERSIZE THE GIRDERS AND COLUMNS?

STRUCTURAL ENGINEER: (quietly) I did the job you HIRED me to do.

ARCHITECT (yelling): Did you OVERSIZE THE GIRDERS AND COLUMNS?!!

STRUCTURAL ENGINEER: You're $%^&#^* right I did!

hehe some good ones there! I'll be taking them to work! I also like...

The Three Laws of American Engineering
1. Always use the right tool for the job.
2. A hammer is the right tool for any job.
3. Anything can be used as a hammer.

Originally Posted by ravingdavis

• Understanding Engineers- Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

My favourite lol

[Ruffy]

When asked to do impossible tasks by managers at work, this is how I summarise what I, as an engineer, can achieve for them.

"It can be done well, it can be done quickly, it can be done cheaply: Pick any two!"

[andrewsmith]

Originally Posted by Ruffy

When asked to do impossible tasks by managers at work, this is how I summarise what I, as an engineer, can achieve for them.

"It can be done well, it can be done quickly, it can be done cheaply: Pick any two!"

that sounds about right
I have used that with a Director, with the 3 options and pick two and that stopped the argument quickly

[timwilky]

As a mech eng student, we were sought out at uni by the psychology wasters for all sorts of surveys. Their conclusion being we were incapable of thought, ours that they were a waste of air.

30 years later, I am about to attend a course based on the worlds most mindnumbingly dull book. and it takes about 5 pages and 10 sleeps to realise ffs this is all phycology claptrap. What the feck do they know about the real world.

Engineers live by principles. You learn the rules, you apply the rules and hey presto things happen. You invoke chaos, then dont be surprised when it goes tits up.

Apply engineering to life and rule 1 applies.

**** happens.

[andrewsmith]

Originally Posted by timwilky

As a mech eng student, we were sought out at uni by the psychology wasters for all sorts of surveys. Their conclusion being we were incapable of thought, ours that they were a waste of air.

We use to torture and confuse all the psychology students with logic.

Psychology Students most common saying after graduating:
"Do you want fries with that?"

Apply engineering to life and rule 1 applies.

**** happens.