The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

[Essex of Essex]

After her outburst on GMTV earlier this week, a leading psychologist has denounced Heather McCartney as clearly unbalanced.

Sir Paul has phoned in to say that normally a couple of beer-mats under her left leg does the trick...

[Stingo]

LITTLE JONNY STRIKES AGAIN.........


A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word
"fascinate" in a sentence.



Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and
we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."


The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
fascinate, not fascinating".



Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was
fascinated."


The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the
word "fascinate."


Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been
burned by Little Johnny before.


She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word fascinate", so she called on him.


Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
t*ts are so big she can only fasten eight."


The teacher cried.

[Stingo]

Bit of a long and old one...have a beer handy...

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the
Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This
guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you
get to the response letter.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec.
20; Montcalm County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental
Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above
referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal
landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the
outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start
of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that
no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined
that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and
Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act
451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of
the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams
partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding
at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently
hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you
to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the
stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming
the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be
completed no later than January 31, 2003.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so
that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.
Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity
on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated
enforcement action.
We anticipate and would appreciate your full co-operation in this
matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any
questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price District Representative Land and Water Management
Division
----------------------------------------------------------------------
** This is the actual response sent back: **
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to
respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088
Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the (State
unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris"
dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay
for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be
highly offended that you call their skilful use of nature's building
materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt
to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I
believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their
dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam
persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they
must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam
activity.
My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate
against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers
throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not
discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom
of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other
applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will
see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and
Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act,
Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to
324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is... aren't the beavers
entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are
financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation,
so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The
Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed
during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a
natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In
other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than
harassing them and calling their dam names.
If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition
please contact the beavers, but if you are going to arrest them, they
obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter... they being
unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build
their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is
green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to
live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and
Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the
natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be
referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait
until 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then
and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass
them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears!
Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you
should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers
alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step!
(The bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to
contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response
to your dam office.
Thank You.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh ****, it's Global Warming.

Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and everywhere that Mary went
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
'twas split right up the front
...But she didn't wear that one often.

Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
'What have u got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon
Pies you ********.

Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its a**e
and turned its wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill
went up the hill
to have a little fun.
Jill, the dill,
forgot her pill,
and now they have a son.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for an entire month."

The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church.
When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying, and the husband is obviously very depressed.

"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult; however we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible or anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts.

One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know," said the young man, hanging his head.


"We're not welcome at Homebase, either."

oops sorry Hovis, no idea what I just did to your joke, but I just saved mine..as you!

[Viney]

Originally Posted by hovis

Jack and Jill
went up the hill
to have a little fun.
Jill, the dill,
forgot her pill,
and now they have a son.

That a lyric from The Gap bands, Oooops upside your head that is.

Carry on

Originally Posted by Mike2165

oops sorry Hovis, no idea what I just did to your joke, but I just saved mine..as you!

eh? thats mine?



A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"

"Both son. God is both."

After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"

"Both son, both."

"Daddy, does God love children?"

"Yes son, he loves all children."

The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"

You're right..I'm going bloody mad

'The Love Dress'

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door then
immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the
couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled
the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Bill to come home from work,' the daughter-in-law answered.

'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Bill loves me to wear this dress,' she explained. 'It excites him to no end.
Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages
me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me.'

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the
lights, put on a romantic CD, lay on the couch waiting for her husband to
arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so
provocatively.

'What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said. 'What's for dinner?

HE NEVER HEARD THE SHOT