The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

TheValue of a Drink

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame.
Then I look into the glass and think
About the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
And dreams ..If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
Of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
Dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
Wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
Going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
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"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
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"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
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"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
We fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
Get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
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"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
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"Without question, the greatest invention in the
History of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
Wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
Not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
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To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

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And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,of Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the BuffaloTheory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not

Wanda’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman,

"I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check ."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

"I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.

But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.



The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

...and?

Originally Posted by cuffy

TheValue of a Drink

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

From experience? - You worry me sometimes Cuffy

http://www.pornforgirlsbygirls.com/

Fitness regime sucks!

I have for the past couple of months been attending a local gym in order to retain my temple like body. However I have become very dissilusioned with all of the time I have spent working out...

Treadmill

Rowing machine.

Bike machine

Problem is......

















I just don't seem to be getting anywhere!

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

Irishmen Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends, agreed that when one passed on, the other would spill the contents of a bottle of fine Irish whiskey over the grave of his recently departed friend. As fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Upon hearing of his friend’s illness, Pat came to visit one last time. “Shawn, can you hear me?” asked Pat.

Faintly, Shawn replied, “Yes, Paddy, I can.”

Bashfully, Pat started, “Do you remember our pact, Shawn?”

“Yes, I do, Paddy,” Shawn strained.

“And you’ll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey, which we have been saving for nearly 30 years now, over your grave,” said Pat.

“Yes, Paddy, I do,” whispered Shawn.

“It’s a very ‘old’ bottle now, you know,” urged Pat.

“And what are you gettin’ at, Pat?” asked Shawn, briskly.

“Well, Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

A young man called ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away.

He consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies department and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves.

His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers.

Good old Ron sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:

Dear Kate,

I chose these because i've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because hey will be naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you wear them for me on our next date.
All my love, Ron.
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

lol